I'm going to try this...

[sgoldie]

fumbling around on the computer I came across a master's program in something that has interested me for a long time - creativity. I had previously started a master's in adult ed but had to drop out because sitting on a hard chair after my falling accident was causing me too much back pain, and I also found the program to be somewhat boring. Most of the coursework for 'creativity studies' will be online with the exception of two or three residencies of two weeks each in the summer. I just got in under the deadline for financial aid and admission. The option it gives me is to teach at a college, and/or to gain credibility in the field for speaking or seminar (my own future business) purposes. Apparently this is a new area of degree study and the only one in the country (so they say), thus an opportunity in a field I find interesting. I'm a little 'freaky' about this on a few counts. First, I haven't had to 'produce' for anybody in a few years. And second, I hope I don't dread the fact afterwards that I will have to paying back a loan untill after social security sets in. I guess I will take the two classes this summer and see how I feel about it then. Any input? Sallie

[sgoldie]

I bumped this up since nobody answered. I was wondering, an I trying to 'buy' a life instead of just creating one? Much as one would buy a new wardrobe to create a new life. I have always been self employed, and as a result don't like being pinned down by anyone or at anyplace. I've tried going back to things I've done before, but they just aren't satisfying anymore. I get stupid input at home, like you could always be a waitress (no offense). First of all I have never been one, or a secretary or any of those other traditional female jobs. I have always worked with men, and headed up whatever position I had. I'm not connected enough right now to run for congress which would be another thought. I'm sick of the work world and would rather sit on the beach or read and do research, or take up painting, or play golf, than press myself into an undesirable position. Any takers today? Thanks, Sallie [This message has been edited by sgoldie (edited May 01, 2004).]

[Jezicka]

Tituba, Sally's given me a lot of great help here, and I think she was speaking generally about the kind of advice she gets on what to do next-- not specifically what people have said here! Sally, I had seen your thread but hadn't answered because I wasn't quite sure what you were looking for here. I guess I have the general impression of you that you have things kind of perculating in there and nothing has quite 'gelled' yet. If that's the case, I think going back for a masters might not really be the best thing right now. Is there any way you can just explore this area more on your own first? Try and find a common denominator among the things that look attractive (even momentarily) to you right now?

[sgoldie]

Sorry tituba, I was in a hurry when I wrote that (I've changed it above). I meant I get unhelpful advice at home, not on these boards. The above is ruminating around in my mind. The thing is that I hate to put off for another year the chance to do something like this. If I move, this particular option won't be available. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Sallie

[Tituba]

Thanks for clarifying.

[Scorpio Moon]

sgoldie: I'm sorry I never saw your thread earlier and haven't been around to help. When I read both your posts, the question which comes to mind is: what is it that you would really like to do and do you have a plan mapped out? At first, you mentioned the opportunites that would potentially be available to you if you had this degree--teaching and giving seminars. Is this what you are really wanting? If so, go forth with the degree because it is a means to an end. But then you said you don't want to have to answer to anyone and would like to have a quiet, relaxed lifestyle in which you spent your time creating. Is this what you're really wanting? If so, would the sacrifices that come with this degree--and the degree itself--help you attain that goal? If teaching is something you are longing to do, obviously you'll need a degree. But there are other creative-related programs you could look into that would give you the "legitimacy" you may need to offer seminars and to teach outside of an academic setting. As an example, author Eric Maisel trains people to become creative coaches. His Web site: http://www.ericmaisel.com/ I think your decision to take a couple of courses this summer is a good one. This is will give you time to really define what is it you want to accomplish. I get the sense you're wanting to take these courses because you're wanting to find some sort of affirmation or realization as to which path you should be choosing. You might find it while studying, but, I think, at the end of the day you already know what you want. You just have to be honest with yourself and be open to the obvious.

[MDG]

Sallie, I'm not certain I can be helpful here, but I'd like to try. I know you have far wider experience than I, and I believe you see an exceptional opportunity in this course. Yet you are hesitating for two reasons, if I have it right... ...You are unsure that you really want to be obligated to be a 'student' right now, and 'have to' follow through, and, ...The financial burden will be heavier than you'd like. A friend recently debated her 'reasons' and abilities to do a course. I asked her - on a scale of one to ten, how badly do you want this course? Her answer was 'nine'. So, I said, you are going to do it, period. All your concerns and 'reasons' don't matter. You want it, no matter what. So, go ahead, and wrestle with the obstacles as they come. Perhaps that is a good question for you, too. If money were no object, how strongly do you want it? How interesting is the 'field' to you? How important is this course to your future? Or, can you get accreditation (is this the right word?) in some other happier way? I wonder if some of your questions aren't rising directly from reluctance, an unreadiness at this time. Are you possibly separating the need for a 'business' from your life passions? Sallie, Barbara suggests that we are 'good' at what we love. You've been very, very 'good' in many business endeavours. Quite wonderful, I think. But, was the 'business' your passion, your whole heart-felt reason for doing it? You say... ..."I'm sick of the work world and would rather sit on the beach or read and do research, or take up painting, or play golf, than press myself into an undesirable position." That's a mouthful. I feel I am hearing your true and legitimate feelings right there. Is the operative word 'press'? Speaking entirely for myself, I've 'pressed' myself to do many things, mainly because that was what I thought was asked of me by people I cared about. The fact that I was 'good' at some of them didn't make me like doing them any better. In fact, I downright hated some of the things I was very 'good' at! Now, of course, I wonder how far I'd have gone at the things I love, had I put my efforts there. We don't count the length of our lives - how many days we will have. (Although, I've known several people who instinctively lived full and fulfilling lives in half of my expected years.) I can't think of any better lifestyle than to live to one's own delight; one's own heart-feelings. Hm-m-m-m... I'm inspiring myself here. Hope this helps you, too. Mahara

[sgoldie]

Thanks Jezicka, Scorpio, and Mahara for answering. There are several innate problems that add to my dilemna of a direction in general. First, I had planned that at this point I would actually be comfortably retired and my mind won't let go of that thought. The divorce completely wiped out my financial empire. In my retreat I now feel like a complete outsider in life: kids are gone and only see them for a few hours a year, sibilings are too busy with their lives, likewise with everybody else, no close friends, I don't know the younger guard who now seem to have taken over things. Most of my contact is with elderly ladies. In the past I never did seem to have a pressing direction. Most of my previous accomplishments were as a result of following thru on what needed to be done to make my x husbands ideas real, and trying to keep us out of jail as he was so sloppy about the details past the idea point. Lots of things interest me to a certain extent, but like many others here after I get so far I drop them. I guess any hidden burning desires are overshadowed by a feeling of future possible desperation. Right now in the pocket of safety enjoyed living with my mother I am able to act as if I'm retired, but this is only a temporary lull. I guess if I had a financial safety net I would move to some place exciting where I could also enjoy nature(like Toronto), get my own apt, and try to get in with people that were happening. I can't afford to go anywhere on my own with everything so expensive. In reality nobody wants to know about an older person, especially one who is out of the loop. In reality nobody wants to know about a person without money, especially one who is depressed. I do so wish a direction would reveal itself to me. Retirement activities are not bad. I'd do a lot more of them, volunteering, travel, etc. if I could afford to. The problem is a need to make money and the fact that this is merely a pseudo-retirement. In reality I am homeless, with dwindling reserves, and alone in it all. I am thankful though that I have a nice roof over my head and enough to eat without having to worry, presently anyway. I do have an offer to relocate to Fla with the guy I have been seeing the last few years (a lukewarm relationship). We get along fine and enjoy the same outdoor activities. He would have a nice house and pool, which would immediately revert to his kids along with the trust fund, if anything happened to him. He's very cheap, afraid he will lose what he has, not an expansive type as opposed to my x who was an adreneline freak. So I would again be in this same situation unless I could make a lot of money there. Maybe I could come up with something in a place with more opportunities? Thanks all, Sallie [This message has been edited by sgoldie (edited May 02, 2004).]

[sgoldie]

Thought I'd add a few things I'm good at and other limitations for your perusal. I'm an incredible organizer and foresighted problem solver especially when it's for a cause I believe in. One interest is dying community's development. I run so far ahead of the pack that I leave committees in the dust. This necessitates efficient delegating to accomplish my foresight. In a too structured situation this can be a problem in terms of boredom, and thwarting forward motion. Other Problems- People hire those they know. They think 20 somethings have all the answers. Unless you can make contact with the top eschelon, HR people become intimidated by me. I avoid publicity like the plague. Was taught that this can open up a whole can of worms in terms of jealousy, lawsuits, etc. better to stay under the radar, plenty of others are willing to take the credit anyway. No current contacts. I like to be in charge. I never did have any trouble as an upcoming woman. It was on the fall, that it showed itself. Thanks for any suggestions, Sallie

[MDG]

Hm-m-m... Your story, Sallie, sounds kind of familiar. You sure we haven't met? What would you advise for a person on these boards who described the same life position? Would you suggest... ...Evaluate? Notice the degree of various feelings, including both interests and obstacles? ...Prioritize? And, notice exactly where, when, and why, interest flags? (I like Scrooge's explanation that Marley's ghost was simply a bit of undigested mutton from Scrooge's supper. ) ...Start with 'who's around'? (Uh...'older ladies' can be pretty hot stuff, often, in my experience. You might want to ask your mom's opinion. ) I love the 'scale of 1 to 10' system. It's quite simple, and easy to adjust when feelings change. I really like applying it to just the most basic questions, and very rapidly. (Saves bogging down in the 'deep' stuff.) I also like 'putting more men on the job'. Could you call a tea party of your lady friends, and ask for their quick, instinctive opinions? (Oh, sugar. Got to run to brunch. Back soon.) *** Okay. What I'm trying to ask, Sallie, is - are you out of 'crazy time'? You sound as though you are, or are nearly. You sound as though you are looking ahead, deciding the where, what, and when's, and getting ready to move on. Maybe the depression you feel is just a bit of remnant from the past. Would a bit of help in evaluating your position be useful? ...Or, a kind listening ear while you bounce around ideas? ...Or, a team? I know you like to be 'in charge' of projects, and that's a perfectly legitimate desire, especially when co-ordinating. Could you see yourself as a 'project', a client? If so, who would you bring in to assist the client? It could be simply a one hour task per day. Then you could schedule walks, and any other enjoyable pursuits. (I find I get the best results with myself, if I just relax my need to 'progress', and put myself out in the world. Great things and ideas begin to appear, like magic. At home, by myself, I tend to 'concentrate' too much.) Would you enjoy doing the Wishcraft exercises once again? ... www.wishcraft.com ... You could just do them for a lark. Curiosity and comparison might be good incentive. You could even do each three times, just to see if you can vary the scenarios and outcomes. I know M.O.N.E.Y. can be a huge hammer, whamming down on dreams. But, what if you set Sallie the exercise of creating $1, or $100, out of thin air? Would that be an interesting task? Knowing her, I think she'd find it child's play. (How about picking something from 'The $100 Hour'? Or, sit in the park, and figure out a life's path for a passerby or two?) I'm just guessing, but I think you are carrying around a mighty fine 'fixer', which is currently under-used. I bet you could write, too. I bet you could dream up messes that your characters could get themselves into, and out of, from a high altitude, and with amazing accuracy. Scribblers don't cost much, and you could end up with a super novel, or several. And, you could dream up a great pseudonym. Agatha Christie, writing as Mary Westmacott, wrote six 'romances', but that is the most understated description of the last couple of centuries! I couldn't begin to describe them here. They must be read for oneself. (My favorite is the one about a lady travelling across a desert, after visiting her daughter and new grandchild in the Middle East. It took my breath away.) (Another that may rivet you to your reading seat is 'Child of the Morning' by Author: Pauline Gedge. Find it second-hand. It's one of those rare finds you'll want to re-read every few years.) (Take a peek at http://www.barbarasher.com/ubb/Forum16/HTML/000439.html There's stuff there that inspires me.) You're going to be a star, Sallie, however anonymously you choose. You've just got too much talent not to be. I want to watch! Mahara [This message has been edited by MDG (edited May 02, 2004).]

[sgoldie]

Thanks Mahara, I'm glad somebody feels akin to me. I can't say I have really run into anyone who has been in my particular place, either on the up side or the down side. It makes it very hard for people to understand. I was reflecting on a post we all did awhile back in which we thought about people we may have been in past lives. I thought for myself- a general, a mad scientist, a biker, a sea captian, a conductor. Upon analysis of this two thoughts came out. One, I like to be in charge, and two, I like to do it in my own way (plus I like music and being outdoors). I'm really not a scary person. I'm actually a great boss, never yell, never belittle, don't micromanage, appreciate ideas and let people run with them. As for friends, I have only one or two and they're not anywhere near where I am in my life, situation wise. The same for my older persons, none of them have ever worked outside the home. Besides which, my mother has a severe speech impediment that makes even a one sentence conversation a real task for both of us. It was my dad I was close to in most regards. My mentor in business, in life, and in the home. I am very good at solving big problems. My own somehow, I can't get on top of. Update- Well a friend, a young student I was in school with, just IM'd me from London. She insisted that I move to Florida, if nothing more than to check out the opportunities which are so greatly lacking here. I guess I do have a few friends after all. Sallie [This message has been edited by sgoldie (edited May 02, 2004).]

[MDG]

Sallie, I added to my last post, above. I'm real proud of the things I wrote. Will you take a look? (Feel free to squawk at me, if you feel the need. I'm one of those tough old birds that are too thick-skinned to notice. Actually, too tough to ever realize I ever age!) My husband has a super gift. He is intuitive about phone calls. I've never known anyone so knowing about who, from long ago, is calling. Or, who from long ago to call. He once called up a WW II buddy, and asked if the man remembered (his name). The fellow answered that (my husband's name) would have the world by the tail now, if he hadn't died in the war. When they got that straightened out, the next thing the fellow asked, right promptly, was - "You got hair?" My man still chuckles about that one. Pretty good for a man who once stammered so badly he couldn't say his own name, don't you think? The miracle I saw, on TV, was two stammerers reading aloud, beautifully, in unison. That's the 'know-how' and 'support' that Barbara tells us is all we need. My best to your mom, Sallie. And to you. M. [This message has been edited by MDG (edited May 02, 2004).]

[sgoldie]

Mahara, Thanks for all the good ideas. The ones about what would I tell somebody else in the same situation is probably the best approach for me. It's sort of like thinking multi-dimensionally and I've done that before. At various stages in my life I have gotten to points beyond what most people would endure. Can't say I don't go down fighting. For instance I nursed my kids fulltime for three years(they were close in age). I also put up with my X when I should have exited years earlier. Maybe it's tolerence, maybe it's not wanting to admit limitations. Btw my mom's speech problem isn't stuttering although I can appreciate that problem too, it's almost complete incomprehensibility due to a loss of hearing before she learned how to speak. She's sweet though. You're right I do want to be a star. In what area I don't know as yet. Maybe movies, maybe politics, maybe my own business. I think my innate skidishness of publicity hampers that but consider it too ingrained to change and don't want to. In some ways I'm probably like the manic/depressive person, sometimes on, sometimes off (maybe where the creativity comes from).The pursuit of money has never interested me. I do like having it though. I don't even think it's an ego thing, maybe recognition. Right now I'm off. New surroundings and new possibilities in a place where things are happening is what I would recommend to someone else, and that's what I think I'll try. I think I need the change. It's the isolation that's a killer, especially with no verbal communication. The master's degree response is due Monday and I'm still not sure about that one. Thanks a million. I'm going to post a funny story on your other thread. Sallie [This message has been edited by sgoldie (edited May 02, 2004).]

[Scorpio Moon]

Hey Sallie, After reading your recent posts, I'd say, before you try and make definitive goals, maybe consider adjusting your outlook on things. There has to come a moment when you have to accept things (re: your retirement) aren't going to turn out as you thought they would. And please don't think this is a failing on your part. It's just one of those many twists life takes with all of us. You write as though things have come to a dead end. But when I read your posts, I see a chance for completely new beginnings. You no longer have to raise children, cater to your husband and his needs and don't have many other family obligations. You're not bogged down by a comfort zone made up of friends and people in the community and their expectations of you. You are FREE! You can do anything. You can hang out with whomever you want. What limitations do you really have (except the ones you think you have)? You are at a crucial time in your life. As you said, your focus was always on backing up your husband and his ideas. And during that time your ideas and desires got pushed back so much that, now, you're not able to recognize them. Are you going to take this time to do what it takes to get reacquainted with them or are you going to dwell on coulda, woulda, shoulda? You wrote: "In reality nobody wants to know about an older person, especially one who is out of the loop. In reality nobody wants to know about a person without money, especially one who is depressed." Oh come on! You know that's not true! I hope you were just indulging in a bit of self-pity within that post and this isn't something you dwell on. Maybe you're not as out of the loop as you might think. And like the rest of us, older or younger, you're going to have get people's attention so they want to know you. And you know, for a fact, money has nothing to do with it. I'm going to be moving to Toronto next summer. I'll be paying more for rent than I ever have in my life. I am scared to death. But I trust in my ability to be resourceful--to always land on my feet. You should do the same. If you could keep you and your husband out of jail for years, you can figure out how to pay rent. Have you done the research and figured out how much you would need to live there? It sounds like your first order of business is to find an income stream. What do you want to do to earn some income? What are you willing to do for now? At this point, JUST DO ANYTHING! When you just start to do something it's easier to get a feel for what you really want. But having said that, are you fighting yourself with this? Are you playing the part of the retired woman because that's the expectation you had and you're not going to give it up without a fight? Are you angry because you're having to figure out how to earn income at a time when you thought it wouldn't be a concern? If so, you're dwelling on the past and it's not helping you at all in the present. Find acceptance for that which has changed and realize this really isn't such a horrible situation to be in. I'd say, solely judging by what you wrote about the FL offer, it doesn't seem like you're all that excited about it. It sounds like it would be something to do as a last resort. Give yourself a chance first before following this guy to FL. You have a lot of stuff to sort out.

[sgoldie]

Yes Scorpio, I am angry that I will have to struggle in the future. I have been using these past few years actually to recooperate from what was probably a nervous breakdown and the resulting scars. I did learn the lesson that no matter how hard you try, you can't always effect a turnout. Something that had never happened to me before. I haven't been pushing myself for two reasons. The first is that I don't believe I will get any other retirement than what I will have now, and will have to work until I drop. The other is that even though I realize that I am free now, without all of those other things that use to keep me busy, the future and my life seem like a big empty hole. I don't know if I ever got over the empty nest syndrome or my fiances death. I suppose I should try to look at it as a bright blank page, it still seems a big blank. I never was one of those people who always thought I'd be a ....whatever. It seems that about every six to eight years I have a major movement in my life (oh boy) and this would be the year. I'll try to do the best I can with it. Sure would be great if it turned out to be something wonderful. I'm hoping. [This message has been edited by sgoldie (edited May 03, 2004).]