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Posted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 9:35 am
by Tituba
audreyh1 - Thanks. It is the perfectionism, \"all or nothing\" personality of mine....... :( It is exhausting. Thanks for reminding me that I'm NOT in the same place as I was a year ago. The old.....\"you can't put your hand in the same river twice\" and all that.... Have a couple days off during Thanksgiving with no commitments other than to myself. Have made some very annoying task lists to attend to during that time.

Posted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 2:11 pm
by joyous1
Something I've noticed lately - as I've been surrounded by and dealing with my clutter, I've been gaining weight cause I haven't been eating right and have been choosing comfort fast food. I think because I'm overwhelmed by the clutter. I wonder if when I get all my clutter loose ends tied up if I'll just magically start to lose weight? And as people have pointed out the domino effect, will my debt start going down too?

Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 8:33 am
by joyous1
Tituba, I was struck by something this morning as I was walking to work (I've always said I think best when walking). I'm sure its nothing new, but it certainly hit me hard today. I've buffered myself with responsibilities, ill health, weight, debt, fatigue and a job that sucks my soul and exhausts me. I've used all these to escape having to do what I want to do. Isn't this crazy? Yet I think alot of us do it without even realizing it. All of these things I'm carrying on my back, feeling like I'm stuck in place (no wonder my worst back pain feels like I've been impaled on a pin and can't move, struggling like a pinned butterfly). This way I don't have to risk anything, don't have to be passionate about anything because I'm grubbing away in the dirt, because I'm exhausted keeping up with all the crummy ground work weighing me down. I don't have to be disappointed, I don't have to risk getting hurt or failing. I can't live an authentic, passionate life when I'm overwhelmed by debt and seeing the trees not the forest, can I? Its like that story of a man who found a $5 bill on the ground and spent the rest of his life looking down in the hopes that he'd find money again - he missed out on seeing everything around him and seeing the stars. Well, this morning I had that same A-ha! I'm an idiot worrying about $5,000 in debt when I'll be selling the house in the spring and be able to pay that off then. Why am I thinking of getting another part-time weekend job that will take all my energy and time I should be spending with my new husband and on my dreams when I just quit my other part-time weekend job that I'd had for 11 years in July? Am I nuts? Apparently I need to distract myself with minutiae that won't matter 5 years from now rather than take care of myself and feed my soul. Wow! Now let's see if I can act on this.

Posted: Thu Jan 06, 2005 9:03 am
by Tituba
My Christmas toy is such a great tool! I bought a DVD/VCR recorder (on sale at Amazon for $250). You put your VCR tape on one side, a blank DVD-R on the other and push one button and transfer it over! I'm copying my old VCR tapes to DVD and then tossing all these old VCR cassettes I've been hanging onto. Plus......I'm thinking this might not be a bad income stream. Copying wedding tapes etc. to DVDs for people..... My next project will be to copy all my old music cassettes to my computer and then off to CD. Will then put up the cassettes on Ebay and get rid of the clutter! Took all the software I have and organized it into a couple of CD cases. I had them all in plastic cases and they were everywhere. Could never find what I was looking for when I needed it. Now they are in one place.

Posted: Thu Jan 06, 2005 9:27 am
by Scenario Thinker
Tituba wrote:My Christmas toy is such a great tool! I bought a DVD/VCR recorder
I think I saw another post where you mentioned your toy, and I didn't think much, but now that I read it again, that's a great tool! I've got a bunch of VHS tapes that are taking up too much space, too. Not only do you save space, you can then fast forward through the DVD a lot easier, right? Can you create chapters somehow?

Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2005 8:00 am
by spark
I've done alot of thinking on this thread and what I'm realizing is how long I've been hiding. When I was a kid, people would give us clothes. I was overweight and at 12 dressed like a dowdy old lady. I hid behind bulky clothes. I gained more weight and hide my sexuality by creating a barrier between me and the outside world. It has been my excuse for not going out into the world. My house is full of clutter and I'm just treading water with the bills. All of this is about fear.

Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2005 1:23 pm
by expatana
Tituba, Any ideas on how to learn how to do all that stuff? I'm dying to get rid of the last of my VCR tapes and cassettes (I got rid of a lot when I first jumped ship and went traveling in '00) before I go off again. I want all DVDs. But I don't know how to do any of that. Ana

Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2005 6:07 pm
by Tituba
For Christmas I bought a Sylvania DVD-RW/VCR. You just put the VCR tape on one side, the blank DVD on the other and push the button in the middle of the unit and it copies with no problem. It will not, however, copy copyrighted material.

Posted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 1:52 pm
by Tituba
The April, 2005 issue of O Magazine has an interesting article (starts on page 194). Someone asked about self-sabotage. How when you start feeling/looking good (i.e. getting your dream) and getting compliments, you sabotage yourself. Oprah answered that they had a belief that they are not worthy of happiness and true success. What do you think about this statement? Do you think the real reason for self-sabotage is feeling unworthy?

Posted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 2:17 pm
by Day Owl
Tituba wrote:
Do you think the real reason for self-sabotage is feeling unworthy?
I don't know whether it's the only reason, but it is surely a major reason. If I aspire to success but have a general feeling of unworthiness -- and even more, an entrenched belief that I'm unworthy -- then even if I consciously want success in a particular enterprise, my belief in my unworthiness is going to hijack my efforts. Oh, this is familiar territory! Sometimes I can avoid stepping on my own poncho by being very conscious and aware of this habitual process, instead of letting it run me. Awareness of a problem is the first step to overcoming it, so they say.

Posted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 4:57 pm
by audreyh1
Tituba wrote:What do you think about this statement? Do you think the real reason for self-sabotage is feeling unworthy?
Yes, I think that is an extremely common reason. Especially if someone has feelings of being an "imposter" or fake - that's a strong hint that they feel unworthy. It's tough, because the only way to get past that is to some day decide that you are worthy, no matter what. It can be a huge leap. Another common reason is simply fear. Audrey

Posted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 8:47 pm
by expatana
I returned from my lovely latest stint in Japan last June when my mother died. When we found out she was sick and dying, it was very sudden and really threw me for an emotional loop, as I was feeling guilty for angry feelings I'd had. I arranged with my boss in Japan to come back here to just see her for two weeks. They wouldn't let me go for any longer unless I quit the job. She was not expected to live past a month. And I knew I had to think ahead. So I came back, spent a wonderful two weeks with her at my sister's house. And then came the last day - the day I had to go back. She was already failing by then and wasn't fully aware, but I knew she knew I was leaving. I felt horrible. Upon my return to Japan, a small voice said, you did the right thing and now you're doing the right thing coming back here. She's in no pain whatsoever, is comfortable, has the family there and you will go on. Much bigger voices of love and guilt said, you must go right back no matter what. And so I left my job (my boss went ballistic with anxiety; after all, I had already visited her and promised to come back) after a last week there, came back here on the saddest flight I ever had .... and returned to discover she had passed away early that morning. I've been stuck here ever since. Screwed up at every little job I was able to get (for God knows what reason. I never screwed up at jobs before), ran out of money, have no friends here, have a sister here with her own agenda (my staying here and not traveling again) ... and a need and desire to move on with my life and no more resources to do it. YOu know what? All that is very long but you have no idea how relieved I am to write it out. I have absolutely no one to talk to. I'm overweight again (a no-no in Japan since I'm looking to go back) with no money. A great combination. One good thing: I'm studying intensely on meditation, manifesting, visualization ... to see if the inner work can finally work for me where the outer work didn't. Good luck to all, Ana

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 11:16 am
by joyous1
Do you think if we tackle one area, then things cascade over into the other three? So all I have to do is choose one of the above four grumpifiers and go gung ho at it and all else will fall into place? I know thats simplifying it quite a bit but if I'm rid of all the clutter in my life, and I'm not talking just the knickknacks around me, but also clutter relationships and thoughts, then suddenly I won't feel the need to eat junky foods, only want to eat healthy and nourishing foods, and want to move my body with exercise and find a job I enjoy and get out of debt effortlessly. This is the idea, right? Do you think its that easy?

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 1:50 pm
by expatana
joyous1, You can only try because it sure can't hurt. It does make sense to tackle the clutter issue because you are right - clutter includes mental as well as physical. Why not decide to work intensely on that one thing ... and see how it goes? One thing is not as overwhelming as four. Best, Ana

miscellaneous everyday tsuris (Yiddish for trouble)

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 8:53 pm
by Chayadina
I've had one of those days--I hate myself for all the same reasons listed above--overweight, debt, disorganized, etc. Being almost 50 and never feeling completely together. They say it isn't ADD. But I've always had these problems in way or another. (BTW, I am taking prozac and will be having a heart to heart with a new shrink next week). Lately they're getting to me more than normal since I am leaving a job that recently relied heavily on accounting skills which I really don't have and never advertised that I did (and they didn't advertise that way either). The volunteer leaders who understand this stuff inside out have completely gone nuts about this and with some right but it doesn't change my anxiety or my ability to work through most of it. In fact their anger about it only increases my knowledge that I belong someplace else. I know I have other contributions to make that are more satisfying (if someone in a professional way will recognize them!). I have a background in working w/nonprofit and higher education organizations (ironic, the word, eh?). I can't complain to my regular friends which I usually do because their lives have even more tsuris--with kids, major family health issues, more major $ issues. I'm lucky I have my husband but I am leaning much too heavily on him. Leaving this job is a regular phenomenon. I try to mold myself to what the workforce needs as opposed to what I can really bring and then I either get bored or burn out or both in a year or two. I have never been anywhere more than 3 years and often as I see the writing on the wall I slip out before I'm asked to leave. I'm often drawn to the cause, the people, the salary. Maybe this is more about wishes and obstacles but I don't know for sure. I would love the 2nd half of my life to be filled w/joy and self acceptance and have that reflected in the public domain (small scale). Your thoughts? Your support? Thanks! Chayadina