Clutter-Overweight-In Debt-Hate Job

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Postby Tituba » Sun Mar 28, 2004 8:22 am

Yes, perfect sense! Doc - thank you for the Williamson quote. I had heard it a long time ago and forgot it. I was at Barbara's workshop yesterday and she had this exercise where a total stranger tells you what is good about you. It was a very powerful exercise. One of the things that this stranger said to me was that I was hiding who I am. It is pretty enlightening moment for me. Got me thinking about how weight, clutter, debt - for me - is the same thing. Burying my core. [This message has been edited by Tituba (edited March 28, 2004).]
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Postby Rosebud » Sun Mar 28, 2004 11:27 am

Thanks candlelady and Gini for your input! As for me, I don't think the issues are really about advertising pressure. I think it is more like what Barbara said in Lesson 4 in "Live the Life You Love." Clutter - gives me a never-ending project so that I have can work on that instead of my life. The excuse of "busy work." Overweight - gives me an excuse to hide my real self. In trying to dig through the core issues of this, I realized that as a kid, I was actually rejected by my family when I did well. I did well in school and followed the rules. My sisters and brothers were always in trouble with lousy grades, getting arrested and running wild. I was the kid doing her homework and never getting detention. I'm the only one of a family of five that graduated. They all quit school. My siblings dumped alot of jealous resentment on me. My damaged parents didn't help. They'd either used me as an example, taunting them and making them reject me more. Or they'd say "oh, you think you are better than everyone else." Damned if i do, damned if I don't. So, recently I have thought perhaps the weight is my way of apologizing to the world for any success I achieve so I won't get rejected again. Hide my light to not offend others. Just so as to put a container on any success I might have and make others feel better being around me. So no one again can say "who do you think you are?" They will be consoled by being able to say "yeah, but look at the size of her butt." It's complicated. Anyone else find themselves doing this?
Okay...this is really scary, but that is MY life! I've even bought into it and hold myself to impossible expectations. I'm brutally hard on myself. Recently come to realize that I hide behind my weight as well. The price of doing this has been hammered home to me. My weight obession is more than cosmetic. I suppose I would be classified as morbidly obese (what a gawd awful term). Diabetes, hypertension and other lovely diseases run in my family. I don't have any of those problems, but the possibility is in the back of my mind. In fact, I'm very healthy otherwise. I also got involved with a non-profit organization. I devoted alot of time to the organization. Too much time. I know realize I was using it as a way to avoid looking/working on my life. ------------------ Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you're doing the impossible--St. Francis of Assisi
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Postby Jeepdream » Sun Mar 28, 2004 11:44 am

Rosebud~! Image I have learned from this board that no one here would EVER think to yell and tear down another the way I do to myself. Maybe you can use one of Barbara's exercises about having a supportive mental/fantasy 'family' and have a few people on the board defend you in your mind~! Just ask your mind "What would XYZ (select fave board persons) say in response to the attack~?" I know I won't let stuff slide now that I know there are other people here that think like I do about basic human dignity~! Just last week I was told by a supervisor that I should have pee'd in my pants rather than go to the bathroom because "it was not break time." I did not swear or cry in front of this person but was solid and logical in defense of my body's need~! I did ask her what universe she was living in to tell me that~! Image Two years ago I would have been a blubbering mess apologizing and beating myself up over "another failing"~! I did quit that job but it wasn't the ONLY reason.
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Postby Tituba » Sun Mar 28, 2004 11:50 am

Oh that explains it! Jeepdream - last night I had a dream that I was in an office environment and someone had setup an office in the only bathroom. I had to pee and kept going in there and asking her to leave. Finally I went in there and yelled that she didn't have the right to stop people from peeing. It was your post! It went into the archive of stuff for dreams! PS: SO GLAD you got out of that job!
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Postby Jeepdream » Sun Mar 28, 2004 11:57 am

Tituba~! That is too funny~! No more late night posts and pizza for you~! Where there 14 other females waiting and just have a ratty roll of TP on the back of the toilet~! Shudder ~ that was a nightmare. I am Seinfeld and a half (germs wise) so what I did was open up a fresh roll and kept it under the sink (there was a door) so I was the only one to use it ~ until the one everyone else used was empty and they took it out. Image
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Postby GiniDee » Mon Mar 29, 2004 1:14 am

You clever gals are making the most amazing connections - and real progress too! Great thread, Tituba! Image
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Postby Rosebud » Mon Mar 29, 2004 1:37 pm

Jeepdream--- I did Barbara's exercise a few years back. I think it's time to revisit it. I once told a friend to keep a picture of himself when he was a child in his wallet. Whenever he started to berate himself he would look at the picture and be kind to himself. I think I should follow my own advice. I glad you quit that job too! Tam ------------------ Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you're doing the impossible--St. Francis of Assisi
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Postby Tituba » Sat Apr 24, 2004 6:42 am

Wasn't sure where to post this but then decided what happened the other day fits this core issue. A male friend of mine called and asked me to dinner. We get together a couple of times a year to catch up. Otherwise we communicate via e-mail and phone. Neither one of us has the slightest romantic interest in the other. So we are having dinner and I'm talking about something and he's looking around the room for someone more interesting and ignoring me. So, I basically go quiet. He has done this before and I never say anything. I find it disrespectful but find myself not wanting to make a scene so I won't be called a bitch. I eat all my dinner to the point where my stomach actually hurts. We leave and on the way home, I stop and get a gelato. Ok, here I am with a hurting, full stomach, eating a gelato. Why? Because I didn't say "hey, stop disrespecting me." I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't want to risk losing a friend. Instead, I lost myself in the calories.
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Postby puffer » Mon Apr 26, 2004 4:33 pm

[B][/QUOTE] WOW THAT IS A VERY DEEP THOUGHT! I THANK YOU FOR THAT TRUTH! THAT HIT ME HARD...IN A GOOD WAY!
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Postby Tituba » Mon Apr 26, 2004 6:11 pm

I've been making progress in finding the core issues for myself. By denying myself permission to have a voice, denying my feelings so I don't risk, I negate my core. Bury who I really am because I haven't given myself permission to speak. So, hide under the weight, hide in a job that muffles my creativity, hide with "busy work" and hide under debt so I can't have options. It's not just about having the tools, information, creativity to have a better life. It is about giving myself permission to be me.
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Postby spark » Wed May 12, 2004 8:08 am

Sounds like important progress is being made. How is everyone else doing?
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Postby jcjm » Wed May 12, 2004 8:41 am

I haven't posted in a while but thought I would throw in my 2 cents on this one. My first reaction was that there wasn't anything in common, but thinking it through, I would say it all goes back to the a lack of knowledge. While there may be self esteem issues, etc., I feel the root cause for such things as being in debt, overweight, etc. is that people learn how to be that from their parents, etc.. The answer is to stop looking for ansers from people who have the same problem, and start looking for answers from people who are successful in this area. MENTORSHIP. Find people who can help you and help people in the areas you are successful.
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Postby heavenlyboombox » Wed May 12, 2004 4:05 pm

for me these issues are all forms of self-punishment. it’s like I’m so angry about not doing what I want to do and not knowing how and not having backup, that I attack myself and my own environment. about 2 months ago I got rid most of the clutter in my apartment. later it occurred to me that the clutter kept me from realizing how lonely I am, it made me feel like my life was filled up. I think I’m overweight because I hold myself back from doing what I want to do and all this energy gets stuck in my body with nowhere to go. I’m still paying off debt from years ago when I was in therapy. I felt obliged to buy myself a lot of pretty expensive things, since dredging up the past was so painful and my life felt so ugly during that time. I don’t hate my job as much as it just feels like I don’t belong there. it just feels wrong, like wearing shoes that don't fit. maybe my biggest problem is the way I isolate myself, so I miss my co-workers when I’m not there. thanks, Tituba, for making me ponder this.
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Postby moonstone » Wed May 12, 2004 5:54 pm

tituba & heavenly you both have struck a cord in me, even though I am skinny and don't have a weight problem. but I do struggle with clutter since my husbands death especially. I find it intersting, cause maybe it's not about being overweight, clutter,etc....but all about disconneceting from one's core, voice...for some from their feelings that makes some of us develop signs of health problems and others build a wall either with their body or clutter. In either way it seems to start with abandoning our being aligned to our spiritual creative center. if we do it long enough we hurt so much being so far from our true self, that the body is either translating our dis-ease or showing us that we have built a wall around ourselves and can't reach inside ourselves to let our true voice out. I have met men who only became overweight once they were in a good relationship and in love. I have met others who were more in love with their huge collection and unable to truely love a human being ( even if it was "valuable" it seemed so overwhelming that it felt like clutter) so wether we build walls because daily stress reminds us of feelings in childhood or wether some are rather married to their clutter.........it seems to all go back to a childhood where love was not to be counted on.......and I look at myself...my love is gone.....and I have a big battle with clutter.......i wonder if there were spiritual centers were people would go after work to get a pre-dinner-hug kinda like the 10min backrub shops, only done with rotating volunteers....I think we would have less overweight and clutter problems. cause look in europe, where there is still more community and less obesity......maybe all we need is unconditional love which we never got as kids ??? also a friend of mine, who has had a weight problem all her life, told me the following: she would tell herself with every bite she ate that her body would only take what it needed for nourishment and dispose of anything not needed and she lost a lot of weight inspite of eating 4 meals a day. a lot is how we think & feel & talk to ourselves....... ------------------ moonstone [This message has been edited by moonstone (edited May 12, 2004).]
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Postby sgoldie » Wed May 12, 2004 6:09 pm

Clutter? What clutter? It's all research!! I would like to point out Moonstones excellent suggestion about hugs. (Sorry to hear of your husband's death) A gathering of the french side of my family would result in probably a 30-60 minute kissing session (1-2 min x 30 people), both coming and going. If there were a really big get together you'd be kissing all day. I guess for that reason, I have come into the habit of hugging people I know upon greeting them. I find it is a wonderful cathardic both for me as well as them, and I'd like to see a lot more of it. After 9-11 I emailed one of the museums in NYC who wanted suggestions about an exhibit regarding same, and I suggested a display of life-sized figures that people could go up to and hug. I don't know if they ever did do it. I don't know if this would help the clutter, overweight, and other nesting-self-defenses. I do think we need to do more of it though. Sallie [This message has been edited by sgoldie (edited May 12, 2004).]
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