Advice for desperate scanner! First timer.

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Advice for desperate scanner! First timer.

Postby razzy » Thu Nov 24, 2011 8:58 pm

I am not even sure where to start, apart from I am a Scanner. And I'm desperate for help!
I live in Melbourne, Australia, I am 29 year old woman. I have successfully completed a Bachelor of Science and also a Bachelor of Fine Art-Gold and Silversmithing. I have spent the last 11 years trying to work out what I would like to do as a career with various psychologists, to varying success.

I find myself in my current situation which is...nearing 30 and living in a share-house, with no career or viable income.

I recently completed a Certificate in Small Business and now receive funding (equivilant to working two days a week) from the Government as part of a program to help support the starting of a new small business. My business is handcrafted, contemporary jewellery...and is not going very well...or at all really.

I pay rent for a shared studio space with two other lovely jewellers (both work for OTHER jewellers to support themselves, as even they can't support themselves!), but find myself terrified to go there. I have the opportunity to go there 5 out of 7 days a week if I would like and struggle to make myself enter once a week. It is a nice space, but I just don't go, I go to the gym instead or go on the internet, or buy groceries. In bed at night I have ideas about what I will do, but in the morning i just don't go there.

About 2 months ago I made the decision to return to study to complete a Master's in Dietetics, in order to become a practicing Dietitian. Once making this decision I felt good, and that the pressure to make a living off my jewellery was lifted. I even went back into the studio and felt positive and motivated to try get a new stockist for about 2 weeks.

My thoughts behind becoming a Dietitian would mean a steady income, the "good enough job", also the option of full or part time work, and I am very interested in diet, healthy living etc.

So all was good...for a few weeks...
This week I returned from a holiday with my boyfriend. I should add that I LOVE to travel! I have travelled extensively, alone throughout South America and Asia, and still want to travel through Europe, Mexico and Central America, USA, Africa, more Asia and live overseas. I really want to live overseas in the next couple of years.
In order for me to become a Dietitian, I need to study as follows:
2012- study part time and work part time.
2013-study full time.
2014-study full time for first half of the year (finish June/July 2014).
The idea of being stuck here and studying for the next almost 3 years is suffocating and makes me feel trapped, depressed. The thought of it taking ANOTHER 2 and half years of study and being poor until 2014 is really weighing on me. I have a funny relationship with money, its never been a driving force, but recently it is a massive one. I have met with practicing professionals, but I still wonder whether I would like the work...

I also feel like I have given up on the jewellery without trying. Due to some issues at the start of my program, I didn't receive the funding I had planned to use to but equipment, so ended up sitting doing nothing for 3 months waiting for my funding to come through (which led to the thoughts of further study, as jewellery wasn't viable). So i haven't really given it a good go. This is also in part due to my lack of confidence, a lack of motivation when the day breaks, a lack of go get, laziness, procrastination, a weird shyness which results in not taking up opportunities when they arise and being very bad at networking or speaking up and also getting overwhelmed.

I recently had my first order to make for a shop, which coincided with my "not going into the studio" period. It took me much longer than I promised. I finally finished the order and emailed the lady but have not heard back. I feel too embarrassed to call, because I took so long to do the order. Also I don't understand why I wasn't champing at the bit to fill her order and get paid!?! Was it being overwhelmed? laziness? Not actually wanting to make the work? Procrastination?
I can't actually decipher what went wrong, but it has happened twice now.
I have damaged two business relationships with shops now, by being meeting with clients, promising product and then being paralysed and not producing the product. What happens?!?!
So my work isn't really for sale anywhere at the moment, except for online, which upsets me, but its my fault.

I should also add that I am on antidepressants and have been since the beginning of the year and have recently overcome Post traumatic stress disorder.
I work 1 & half days a week as reception at a Massage, Naturopath clinic, which is great for the perks, but brain dead boring. In 2009 I worked at a cafe full-time when saving for my last trip, and would cry most days on the way to work because I was so depressed about working at a cafe when i had very successfully completed two university degrees!

I sometimes feel disappinted I have no career and that I have wasted my potential. I was great at everything at school! My English teacher wanted my to be a writer, my biology teacher a scientist etc etc.
But this is the opposite to what I believe matters in life. I value experience, love, friendship, health, exercise, meditation, spiritual development.
I love designing and creating, but I don't have much desire to visit art exhibitions every week, I love to write and would like to pen my story of my trip, i like health but does that mean i'd like being a dietitian????

I did the activities in Refuse to Choose, I worked out my dream day- I kind of have it now, except I don't really make an effort and do it (meditate, yoga everyday) and i have no money to live! I am not sure exactly which Scanner I am, I do switch back and forth between science and art, I can't remember the others at this point.
I feel like this: :bash: :bash: :bash: :bash: :bash: :bash: :bash: :bash: :bash: :bash: :bash: :bash:
Thankyou for any help advice.
razzy
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Re: Advice for desperate scanner! First timer.

Postby bellakasha » Thu Feb 02, 2012 4:11 am

Hi Razzy, Ive just joined the forum and saw your message after my post about interrupted scanners. I'm an aussie too. I've tried to get onto that small business program for about 10 years on and off, but could never finish my business plan and can relate to lots of your journey. How are you getting on now? Im interested in your reference also to post traumatic stress, as although I too have done my share of sessions with psychology etc I still seem to go into a freeze or overwhelm when I think Im ontop of it, so start to take on more and then end up in a total meltdown...I've been renting a business space for about 12 months now, not covering costs and in my mind havent even 'launched' yet but seriously have to consider trying to get out of the lease because I cant keep struggling on like this...
Anyway, I hope whatever you are up to that 2012 has been a lovely fresh start and brought you much clarity & joy...
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Re: Advice for desperate scanner! First timer.

Postby SquarePeg » Thu Feb 02, 2012 1:42 pm

"I recently had my first order to make for a shop, which coincided with my "not going into the studio" period. It took me much longer than I promised. I finally finished the order and emailed the lady but have not heard back. I feel too embarrassed to call, because I took so long to do the order. Also I don't understand why I wasn't champing at the bit to fill her order and get paid!?! Was it being overwhelmed? laziness? Not actually wanting to make the work? Procrastination?"

This happens to me. The answer (for me) is a combination of perfectionism, fear of criticism, and a preference for process over production (doing instead of being done).

Consider this: Once your jewelry business becomes established and profitable (if you decide to pick that), you may be able to claim travel expenses as business expenses because you can say that your travel involved research into style, technics, materials, etc. related to jewelry. But don't quote me on that -- definitely get the advice of an account.
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