W: Life before death O: Sitting in idle

What should you do when you want to do everything? If you're fascinated by everything, and you've been called dabbler, dilettante, undisciplined, indecisive etc., this forum is for you.

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W: Life before death O: Sitting in idle

Postby deb8891 » Wed Jan 04, 2012 11:47 am

:bash: So I've been sitting here in front of this screen, for the past couple hours, perusing the Sher website and message boards. (So this is where all the intelligent people hang out, isn't it?) Seriously, the posts on here are very informative. Let me warn you--this may be a long post. This is not my first post either....oh no. Friends, I am the most alone person I have ever seen. I don't feel like I have a place on this planet. "Scanner" is an understatement--a severe understatement. I'm not so sure I "Refuse to Choose" so much as I am "Unable to Choose." Some of my "hit and run obsessions" have lasted mere minutes. I am not writing these words here as excuses or for pity or any other reason than to try, and I mean really TRY to describe myself....I cannot find where I belong. I am sad, worried, confused, embarrassed, angry, and my life is in shreds. I've had more different jobs than anyone I know....many, many jobs, LITERALLY too many to count. I can't count them all.....and I have developed an almost Eleanor Rigby-ian way of hiding my bottomless shame and embarrassment about my inability to fit in or feel as if I belong somewhere--anywhere: a little face mask I don on the rare occasions I emerge from my small apartment. I laugh off my latest employment fiasco, joke about living 'under a bridge soon' if I don't get my act together, or just repeat the mantra of "I have no idea what to do." But I simply have no idea what to do. Almost everyone I have ever encountered can answer this question: If you could snap your fingers and be doing anything in the world right now, what would that be? I cannot answer it. I cannot create a fantasy or dream job. Oh of course I have worn the "I really hope to be a published writer someday" hat but that's starting to look more like a catch-all basket to save me from appearing like a blank slate. I write--I write something all the time. I have even had a few discussions with an editor who advised me to bring my manuscript up to 10,000 words, as that would be a good length for an editor to determine whether it should be continued. And I did that--I wrote my story up to 10,000 words.....and stopped. For the first time ever in the years I have been writing, I was frozen with fear that it simply would not be good enough. If I turned this creation over to the editor, and then was told that I should probably not quit my day job (which of course I have already done....) I don't know if I could bear it. So the story sits in a file along with hundreds of other creations. Of course there's the financial issue of hiring an editor....I have no money. NO money...none. At this very moment I do not have January rent--the result of another "Screw this awful place" employment walk-off. It appears to me that I create chaos. I get the feeling that every physical place I enter, I am "in the way." That sounds odd, even to me, but it's how I feel. I have very VERY few friends or acquaintances...and live in such an unbelievably small apartment that there is absolutely NO SPACE for another living thing....heck, a recent and VERY rare date told me that my place was so small, he couldn't see us really being able to spend any time together....as he lives close to an hour away. (Oh and of course I have no car.) When he said that, it dawned on me that I have created a little shell that will only fit me and my two small dogs....it was a strange realization. I am fifty-three years old. I have been physically alone for around 10 years or so....and I love to pretend it's "fine with me!" It's not....not really. But I don't think I would want a mate that would want me and my flailing, unstable life. (That's something I just realized as well.....that was an odd thing to consider.) And now, as I read back over what I am about to present to the boards, I think to myself "There can be no real solution to this mess....can it?" I feel like a child....an emotional and unwanted little kid....and apparently that little kid has been charged with running my life for me. My mind feels like a dark-colored trampoline with this wild, uncontrollable and bratty little blonde-haired snot bouncing from one side to the other, defying anyone to catch her. She's smart, but she's a mess. And I'm wondering right this second if this post is yet another attempt for somebody else to fix me, or tell me what to do. I will ask this of you, gentle readers....if you respond, please be soft....I cry a lot, whether happy or sad.
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Re: W: Life before death O: Sitting in idle

Postby SquarePeg » Wed Jan 04, 2012 3:38 pm

Welcome, deb!

There's a lot to respond to here. I am not going to try to "fix" you; you are not broken. But you might be a bit lost and the folks on this board will relish guiding you if you're willing.

To start off, I wonder if you are sleeping and eating well and exercising regularly. I ask this because I sense that you are overwhelmed. I become overwhelmed more easily when I have not slept well for many nights (actually, I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea 3.5 years ago) and when my blood sugar drops. After I started to see a nutritionist and got on a low-carb diet, my brain fog dissipated and my energy and confidence came back.

Am I correct in assuming that you just discovered Barbara Sher's body of works? If so, maybe you need some time to absorb the ideas and become more comfortable with them.

The self analysis of your living arrangements tells me that you're very capable of introspection -- "it dawned on me that I have created a little shell that will only fit me and my two small dogs....it was a strange realization." That will help as you do the exercises in the books.
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Re: W: Life before death O: Sitting in idle

Postby deb8891 » Wed Jan 04, 2012 4:26 pm

"You're not broken" was nice to see....and you are correct, as I am not doing my usual exercise and healthy eating at this point. My healthy routines fade as I do...I am also thinking I have a copy of one of Barbara's book around here somewhere. Will make a great effort to locate it....and I thank you for your kind words. I am feeling such a sense of urgency to "heal" or get my life running well....it saddens me terribly to consider the idea that I may not ever feel true contentment....I do think this site is a wealth of ideas and like-minded folks. Thank you again.....Deb
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Re: W: Life before death O: Sitting in idle

Postby yonuh » Wed Jan 04, 2012 5:53 pm

I agree, Deb, that you are not 'broken' - far from it! I have been where you are right now; I'm not there any more and haven't been for a long time. Sure, life throws me a curve ball every once in a while, but I'm comfortable now with who I am and where I am. So I guess the point is that there is always hope. I cried when I read "Refuse to Choose" because I realized there was nothing wrong with me, I was just different. I agree with SquarePeg about eating healthy food, exercising, and getting quality sleep - that will have a big effect on your mental energy. Don't give up - there are many who went before you and many will come behind you with the same concerns. You can do it!
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Re: W: Life before death O: Sitting in idle

Postby Wolf Goddess » Thu Jan 12, 2012 3:50 pm

Deb:

If you are broken that does not mean you are trashed. Broken things still have value and can be fixed: even if the "broken" item has a little dent or a scratch, it is still of much value.

I say this because it sounds to me like you are an abuse survivor or have been through some life trauma. If this is the case you may have PTSD. There are lots of things you can do. There are lots of treatments including ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) and EFT (emotional freedom technique) which is a way of tapping your pressure points. I know this is alphabet soup but look them up and find out more about them.

It also sounds like it is easy for you to find jobs. That's a lot better than many people I know. We have trouble finding one. It means you are smart and charming and people like you and are willing to hire you.

If you are in your fifties and female then menopause will come into play. Have your hormone level checked and your thyroid.

I am not saying any one thing will be your miracle, just passing on suggestions that I have looked into. Sunlight, exercise, Sam-E, St. Johns Wart, Vitamins D and B, or an antidepressant are all good for boosting the endorphins in the brain.

Hypnotherapy might release old hidden memories. But you may not want to do that. The body remembers bad stuff even when the brain doesn't. The nervous system and amygdala store all kinds of stuff and react accordingly, even when we don't know why.

Some of this may sound a bit too New Age to you or a bit too clinical, but don't write anything off. Check things out. See what makes sense to you. Heck, try them all. I am.

WG
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Re: W: Life before death O: Sitting in idle

Postby deb8891 » Thu Jan 12, 2012 4:38 pm

I appreciate your postings. All of your information makes good sense and I do intend on taking it to heart...I am indeed familiar with EFT and now is probably a good time to refresh myself on that technique....thank you!
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Re: W: Life before death O: Sitting in idle

Postby Annalena » Wed Oct 03, 2012 7:08 am

Hi deb.

I'm a lot younger than you, but I have found myself in your post. Sounds to me what you need (and probably are very scared of!- just like I was) is some STRUCTURE in your life. It's been a good while since you posted, but maybe this still helps you.

I see a couple of areas in your life here that might need some fixing (the areas- not you!)

1- Apartment. You say it's tiny. I assume its price is also, um, not high then. So, that should not be changed for the moment, I guess. Maybe some decluttering would be a good start to feel better though.

2- Work. It's crucial because you need to pay your rent, and I assume, other things as well. I wouldn't so much look for a great job or a job you really want to do, more for a job you CAN do. That is avilable and you have the qualifications for. Simply due to the urgency of the situation. This is where I would start. Get that set up first.

3- Relationships. Physically alone for 10 years? NOT a good thing. Have you ever considered online dating? I know it might no be for everyone, but I have heard a lot of great stories. Especially from people who are past the college age and for whom it's harder to meet people.
I personally actually put an ad on a craigslist kind of site to meet new girlfriends, too. What do you have to loose?

4- Wellbeing.What if you join up for some kind of class, preferrably right after work so you have no chance to go home first. What do you like to do? Any kind of sports? It's also another way to meet people.


Remember- gradual changes are the way to go, there's no drastic change or cure that works in the long run...
~~ thinking helps. ~~
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