Barbara's New Rules: Stay Tuned!

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Postby insight2020 » Fri Mar 26, 2004 6:25 am

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tituba: insight - posting your ideas right on this thread would be great. Posting the same topic to multiple forums is one of those things that get people riled up.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Tituba, I appreciate the leg up on that one. Always good to have an "ally" when one's new to a place(: AND-I agree with what you said in your post from the 24th about giving opening the heart. "Love" IS an action word!!-have a good one! [This message has been edited by insight2020 (edited March 26, 2004).]
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Postby ankara » Fri Mar 26, 2004 8:46 am

to all, as a new member and a first time bulletin board user i just jumped in without knowing the guideline. now having read barbara's rules i can better serve as a member of this wonderful gift of community. thanks ankara Image WELCOME, ANKARA, AND ALL THE BRAVE NEWBIES WHO JOINED IN HERE. WE'RE VERY HAPPY TO HAVE YOU WITH US. [This message has been edited by BarbaraSher (edited May 09, 2004).] [This message has been edited by BarbaraSher (edited May 09, 2004).]
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Postby soni » Fri Mar 26, 2004 10:11 am

How about a rule stating "Look at the date of the thread BEFORE responding!" perhaps with a screenshot of a demo thread highlighting where the date is (it is a bit tiny and inobtrusive). Pet peeve of mine is getting into a new thread only to discover it is an old thread (like, 3 years old) ressurected by a newbie who is answering a question asked years ago and long forgotten. Of course, bumps of old threads for the general edification of all or a specific poster are cool. I just hate getting sucked into a new issue, only to find out it's actually long dead and I've just wasted 10 minutes gearing up to help.
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Postby Ariel1225 » Fri Mar 26, 2004 1:05 pm

Oh, shoot...I'm a BRAND-NEW NEWBIE...just found this site about an hour ago and already posted my "STUFF." Sorry, didn't know about the rules until just now. I just saw Barbara's face on the homepage and felt inside, "she's good inside." Anyway, is it also possible to send the rules out to newbies with the sending of the password after registration? Just a thought. Ciao, Ariel THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, ARIEL. OF COURSE, WE STILL HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO SAY THEM WITHOUT MAKING NEWBIES FEEL LIKE THEY'RE JOINING THE ARMY. [This message has been edited by BarbaraSher (edited May 09, 2004).]
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Postby pamnco » Fri Mar 26, 2004 3:55 pm

I love the fact that the posts are dated, with the time, and are in order. Is it possible to add to the program the original date of the posting showing automatically with the subject, maybe an extra column next to the name of the person who posted? That way, you'd see the start time/date before responding. Last Post First Post [This message has been edited by pamnco (edited March 26, 2004).]
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Postby MDG » Fri Mar 26, 2004 5:15 pm

"...Sending the 'rules' with the registration..." I really like that suggestion, Ariel. The different forums could be explained, and the 'search' function, too, for example. I hate to admit it, but I discovered the 'active' list only last week. Many other features escaped me for a long time after I started posting in March, 2002. Also, you all remind me that a new poster is even more sensitive to nuances in words addressed to anyone/everyone, especially themselves. I've long held that the human brain is a faster and more powerful computer than any we will ever have under our fingers. Add the joy, and needs, of all posters, and we have some posters, and wannabees, on tippytoe with tender feelings. If the number of registered posters has climbed so dramatically, then, think how many new 'lookers' there are, too! Yes, it is proof positive of the effects of Barbara's efforts, but it's also a greater responsibility on 'old-timers'' commonsense and 'duty of care'. We are demonstrating a giant Success Team here, my friends. ...Barbara's invaluable invention. She worked super hard to conceive it, and it works so well that I think it will change, has already changed, life on this planet. Like all great things, a fine idea must be open to the goodwill of the people who find and use it, so, since Barbara is up to ears, shall we try this...? ...Write a single suggested 'rule' or 'guideline', in a new topic/thread -- agreeing, first, that no one will ever give or take offense. ...One poster, one guideline at a time, in one well-thought-out, quite short, sentence or two. ...All guidlelines to be clear and self-explanatory, so that 'reasons' are not necessary. ...All of us will be writing for the common goodwill. ...Then, Barbara, or her appointee, can choose, combine, re-write, ignore them, or take them under advisement, and place them where she thinks they would do the most good. (I'd say send them to Barbara by email, but that may be where she gets all her spam, too. And no one needs extra emails, thankyou very much.) I've long wished for a 'council' to gather information for Barbara, do all the 'footwork', so to speak. Perhaps we could do that here, on the bulletin boards. Shall we discuss this proposal? What do you think of this idea? Mahara ************************ Oh, I just had a brainwave!!! <B>Barbara, If you like this idea, and have a period of time you can spare, would you like to tell us when you are free to edit, and we can get this done all at once. I'd be so glad for you to take my 'guideline suggestions' and change them into the good humor and spirits you intend. You could reward/thank us with a simple Image. Then we'd know you have seen the suggestion and have filed it away, or whatever. (Make the toothy green Smilie by by typing two symbols with nothing in between, or before, a colon, and a capital D. Thusly, : plus D equals Image.) Hint: Anyone can go into any 'Edit' button, and, although we can't change or edit another's post, we can read how they posted, and even 'copy' and 'paste' what they typed, copying all or some of the text, if we choose. If we brainstorm 'posting guidelines' for you, we could turn it into an exercise in good-natured writing. (You are the best I've ever read!) Brevity is another great writing skill. Altogether, I'd love to see a "Suggestions for Barbara" forum. Wouldn't that help your filing a lot??? Image Best regards, Mahara</B> Gotta go and see where you are speaking today... Please excuse the bold. [This message has been edited by MDG (edited March 26, 2004).]
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Postby Scorpio Moon » Sat Mar 27, 2004 11:46 am

I have a question about the rules pertaining to something board-related I have been bothered by for weeks now. Awhile ago, Planescape started a thread in the Deep (or Shallow) area. The thread was entitled "Repressed Memories of Abuse?". When I read the title, my thought was, the topic itself seemed completely fitting for the board. I had no problem with it. But then, a day and many responses later, he deleted the thread and started a new one entitled "Mother and son incest" and, within the first post, detailed sexual experiences he believed he had with his mother. I had an immediate adverse reaction. I found the thread inappropriate. No. I haven't been sexually abused and his experiences didn't set off any issues for me. I was just, initially, stunned by the thread because it was so dramatically different than what I'm used to reading when I come here. I wrote a curt message telling him I thought this might not be the best place to work out such an intense issue. He took exception to my response, wrote a rebuttal and has seemed to have left the board. Now, weeks later, I feel horrible. Maybe this is the absolute only place he felt he could get support/help. I didn't take that into consideration at the time. But the thing is, in terms of the boundaries of this board, are frank and detailed discussions about things like incest welcome here? I think there are better places on the Web to go to for support for such serious and delicate issues. But is this, essentially, an "anything goes" message board? NO, IT REALLY ISN'T, SCORPIO MOON. WHILE THE LINE ISN'T ALWAYS CLEAR, I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED THIS BOARD TO BE MORE ACTION THAN ANALYSIS ORIENTED. I'VE TRIED TO SEND ANYTHING THAT'S NOT ACTION/STRATEGY/PROBLEM-SOLVING TO THE "DISCUSSIONS" FORUM (THERE'S SOMETHING THAT REQUIRES A VOLUNTEER MONITOR) OF COURSE WE ALWAYS WANT TO CLOSE RANKS AROUND SOMEONE WHO HAS TAKEN STEPS AND IS SCARED, OR TO COMFORT ANYONE WHO HAS SCRAPED THEIR KNEE, BUT THE HEART OF WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN HERE IS ACTION, NOT REFLECTION. It's cool if it is. I'd just like some clarity so, nex time, I don't go off the deep-end again. [This message has been edited by BarbaraSher (edited May 09, 2004).]
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Postby Ariel1225 » Sat Mar 27, 2004 1:06 pm

Mahara, glad you liked that suggestion. I got it from another website that did that...although I can't remember their name as it was a while ago. Anyway, I'd think it be great to send along with the registration a brief set of rules as well as explanations for the search, etc. I know when I first joined yesterday, I completely overlooked the FAQ and Search area listed right at the top. It coulda kissed me right on the forehead. Image I suppose even with rules and all being sent with registration, things will still be overlooked... especially when one is overwhelmed, excited, etc. But maybe if that happens, one can be referred to the section overlooked (i.e. search, rules, FAQ). Ciao, Ariel P.S. In regard to Scorpio Moon's concern, can there be a link on the boards that can direct people to places that may be able to help them with abuses such as incest, rape, etc. I don't mean to imply that one should be sent away because of such abuses, but that it might supplement their time here. Here would deal with one aspect of one's journey to find out what they want and the other deal with the strong emotional issues that come from such abuse. Just a thought...
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Postby GiniDee » Sat Mar 27, 2004 2:11 pm

Scorpio Moon - I may be wrong, but I think the more detailed aspects of horrors like sexual abuse, rape and incest belong in therapy, not on a public message board. Finding a way past them is something we can possibly help with. But only trained professionals can work with the psychological, spiritual and psychic damages wrought by such crimes. I don't know how best to handle that question, and it makes me uncomfortable too. Hope Barbara jumps in on that one. It's her board. All the best - GiniDee Image
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Postby pamnco » Sat Mar 27, 2004 5:11 pm

Hi, I just opened a new post, and the nice person with a very pertinent question wrote this: "There's probably tons of threads on this already, but it's easier to start another than to find the older ones." I decided to quote it here because it states one of the issues that this thread is trying to help resolve. Ease of posting, reading, expediency, wading through posts, and wading through rules are all issues that are on the table. Mahara, I like your suggestion of group rule writers, if I understand you correctly. Each person can write a succinct rule, and Barbara edits it and/or ok's it with a Image. Right? If Barbara would find that helpful, maybe you could start a separate thread that explains the purpose is to only "reply" with a rule statement, so they are all in one separate place that she can then read. Would that work? As for the incest post, I agree with the discomfort expressed. A cry for help should be heard, and quickly directed to a suitable place for that help. Therapy, hotlines, websites for traumatic and highly personal issues are some of the links I had in mind to be made available to newbies, or older posters with new problems that are brought up. My understanding is that you can progress here to your wishes, dreams and goals by identifying your obstacles and personal deterrents, (sp.?) but not necessarily go into those obstacles in detail. You may say that you came to the realization that you were victimized by incest, and need help with that, and be given ways to find therapy or other support groups, but this is not a specialized support group of that kind. Most of the suggestions here often become guidance on where to find other help to resolve obstacles, ie. try this job line, or google search this phrase, or use this government financial assistance grant program, etc. Answers which suggest actions to be taken to get past an obstacle. I seem to remember a caution in the initial pages about language and subject matter where a level of self-censorship was advised, with the option to be deleted if a line was crossed. I just assumed Barbara had assistants who scanned the boards with that power to delete questionable, or extremely frank, posts. If people are uncomfortable, then boundaries may be set, and directions given to help elsewhere, so souls may not be completely lost to their own despair. [This message has been edited by pamnco (edited March 27, 2004).]
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Postby Tituba » Sat Mar 27, 2004 6:22 pm

I went to Barbara's workshop today and spoke with her briefly. She told the group about the board and that she wants them to contribute for two weeks prior to posting their wishes/obstacles. Once she gets a free moment, I'm sure she'll be reading these posts and putting together something to help newbies. BTW: Workshop was wonderful. If anyone has the opportunity to attend one - I recommend it highly!
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Postby Vict » Sat Mar 27, 2004 6:29 pm

"There's probably tons of threads on this already, but it's easier to start another than to find the older ones." Yeah, that really got me. Easier on the poster, maybe, but not on those who have already made great effort to respond with thought and heart elsewhere and are expected to do it all again? As for planescape, he was unsure of what exactly did happen, and recounted what he remembered. What I deeply regret is that his post disappeared before my reply got posted - It is entirely possible that he was not molested, and I proffered an alternate scenario. Just the idea that there might be something else going on could have made it a safer question for him to explore with a professional (which I recommended). That could have been important not only for him, but for others lurking. I tried the last e-mail addy I had for him, but got no response. Image
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Postby Quest » Sat Mar 27, 2004 7:39 pm

Scorpio Moon, I was part of that thread as well. It's been my observation that Planescape has been a valued recipient (and giver) of support by (and to) many on this board. Time and time again. At the time of your post, he was certainly not a newcomer to this board and he knew the way of things here. For him to stomp off in a huff because he was upset with ONE post is not something anyone but him should take ANY responsibility for. In that very thread, I posted some links to info that may have been helpful to Planescape. He never acknowledged that post, but instead, he responded to you with another thread titled "Hey Scorpionmoon". In that thread, he stated: "I guess the topic I wanted to vent about and just hear some kind words on was too heavy for 'deep discussions.' BTW with comments like "woah, woah, woah" and the stunning "at least do a google search" (duh, really?) who needs a supportive community? C Ya." The only reason I have that quote is because I used Word to construct my reply and had pasted his quote to use in reference. I just hadn't deleted it yet! Besides not acknowledging the initial supportive post I made, he did not give anyone else a chance (time wise) to provide support. I wrote another post to him, expressing my frustration over these very issues. (For the record, I don't 'expect' people to acknowledge my posts, but when a whole board is written off, in spite of those who are/have been supportive, then I get ticked!) While I understand your second thoughts about how you posted your concerns, I just want to put my 2 cents in and say that you aren't responsible for his reaction. Some overall, general comments to everyone... Personally, short of abrasive and abusive comments or personal attacks, I'd like to support the board members here to NOT be too quick to soothe someone's dissatisfaction at the expense of sorting things out and dialoging. It's good to dialog about the conflict, take responsibility as appropriate, etc. but to take sole responsibility (when it's clearly been as much-if not more-the responsibility of the other person), and try to prematurely soothe the ruffled feathers--in my opinion, that's shortchanging everyone. The recent brouhaha, Planescape's huff, and a few other instances are cases in point. Their reactions were simply over the top. These situations can be handled by dialoging...we've all been 'over the top' at some points in our lives. BUT when individuals get drawn into feeling guilty or when they start to take responsibility for the feelings or actions of the person who clearly is playing the victim...then it's not OK. It's dysfunctional. This is a board of VOLUNTEERS. I don't care if this is the only place someone feels they can get support. We cannot take on that responsibility for any person's feelings or actions--not to mention one that involves issues such as incest. Sorry this is so long. I'm just getting a little frustrated with a turn that seems to be starting to happen here. If people feel they aren't getting the help they want/need, then it's their responsibility to look elsewhere. But, again, short of abusive/abrasive posts, biting, ignoring (or playing the victim of) the volunteers' hands is totally their responsibility as well. Again, this is Barbara's board, and my concerns or opinions certainly may not be shared by her. However, I am appreciative that I can express them. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Scorpio Moon: <B>I wrote a curt message telling him I thought this might not be the best place to work out such an intense issue. He took exception to my response, wrote a rebuttal and has seemed to have left the board. Now, weeks later, I feel horrible. Maybe this is the absolute only place he felt he could get support/help. I didn't take that into consideration at the time.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> [This message has been edited by Quest (edited March 27, 2004).] [This message has been edited by Quest (edited March 27, 2004).]
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Postby althea » Sat Mar 27, 2004 7:43 pm

I'm fairly new here and just now discovered that I broke a rule. My very first post was one of introduction and probably very long winded. I did spend several hours reading existing threads, however, and could tell very quickly that this is a group of people I want to hang with. I was so very happy when I received many responses! In previous message boards lives, I sometimes felt like I was the mammoth thread killer who squashed the life out of any active thread. That was when I participated in a forum for saving marriages. My marriage was beyond repair and I was simply in the wrong place. With that bit of background in mind, I humbly suggest that a rule requiring paricipation prior to a request for help may not be the remedy. There may be any number of reasons that this board is not the right place for a person. There may be even MORE reasons that we don't want to have advice from someone who's in the wrong place. Perhaps a good example is the incest victim. That calls for a trained professional who's adequately equipped to address the issue, or a forum dedicated to that specific topic. If someone is in a truly desparate state, I think they need more than what this forum can provide. They need to be calling 911, or the women's shelter, or the suicide hotline, or whatever emergency service seems appropriate. I believe the givers can be protected from burnout with reminders of each board's focus. I don't think anyone expects a caring person to tend hemorrhaging ateries when there's probably a capable emergency room within reach. I also believe that a giver should exercise caution with people who have lots of time to post but no time to read barbara's books. "To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it." Mother Teresa
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Postby MDG » Sun Mar 28, 2004 2:37 am

With your permission, I'd like to tell you my opinion in as few words as possible. This has always been a place to visit with thoughtful people. It was never designed to be an 'encounter group'. Success Teams work because people follow an exact and well-considered plan of exercises. This is Barbara's life's work...and her gift to us all. From reading Barbara's books, and following her method, we discover amazing possibilities within ourselves. I think, however, that does not mean we should overstate our feelings, here. The reasons for maintaining some decorum are many, and quite obvious, I believe. ...This is a public place. ...No one here is able to give emotional assistance. Any professional would ask for a different setting for consultation. ...And, so on... Yet, there are several features of Barbara's method that call for noticing both our own feelings, and those of others. And, Success Teams are fun. They tickle us pink when we discover answers we have been seeking, and when we see the achievements of others. Barbara's ways bring happiness, plain and simple. So, the most important first step that any would-be poster could take, in my opinion, is to read Barbara's books, www.wishcraft.com , and do the exercises. Once we have begun to do the exercises, then is the time to share our journey with others, which is the second step Barbara suggests...help each other. Early on in Wishcraft, we see that Barbara suggests that negativity, a good crying fit, and other carrying on, is very useful to some people at certain moments. But, these sessions need to be time-limited. And maybe confined to private places. In a Success Team, and here on Barbara's boards, we need to keep a sense of giving and receiving only our best, and this pared down so everyone gets clarity and equal opportunity. The simpler we can state our Wish and our Obstacle, the more likely we are to find useful responses. And, there is a courteous and quite important way to thank a responder. Barbara teaches us to point out something we appreciate in the giver's suggestion. (She reminds us that there is something of value in every suggestion, even though it may not be entirely useful to us at this time.) The suggestion-giver then knows their idea was heard, and appreciated. Success Teams can combine people from all walks of life for three reasons... ...We have a form of etiquette that respects everyone, ...Timing establishes clarity, taking us to the clear meaning as quickly as possible, and, ...There is no need for us to dwell in/on our obstacles...past, present, or future; real or anticipated. Barbara gives us concrete, do-able steps to move us where we want to go. There is another reason that anyone can receive help, or return the favor, with complete strangers in a Success Team... ...Acceptance. In my opinion, this is the most valuable gift that Barbara gives us. I've never heard of a Barbara Sher workshop that specified the audience be entirely green-eyed redheads accompanied by Yorkies. Image (It may have happened, but no one told me!) Why don't team leaders need to 'screen' team members? Because the exercises are chosen and designed to bring everyone toward their individual goals, together. There is, in the Sher method, a moment for every individual to awaken to their own potential, their own heart's desire, and the steps to take to get it. That's the moment when the voice goes soft, the eyes are quietly lowered, glowing. (Monty Roberts calls that moment, when he bonds with a horse, Join-Up, and he has copyrighted that title.) Barbara teaches that everyone has such a moment within them. ...A moment of such trust that all who see it, respect it. We accept the person for who they are. Reading Barbara's books, seeing our own dreams, and finding ways to them, we cannot help but understand the value of every person. Out of that understanding, we speak here. Barbara is a Communicator. If we read what she says, and tell others, maybe she won't have to speak individually to every person on Earth, after all. ~ Image ~
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