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Re: QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2018 11:13 am
by Jason
"I have a new book coming out. It's one of those self help deals, it's called How to Get Along with Everyone. I wrote it with this other asshole." -- Steve Martin

Re: QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2018 11:44 am
by Jason
Governor: "You may choose the manner in which you will die!"

Larry: "Oh, that's easy: old age! Ha, ha, ha, h..." *SLAP! (from the guard)*

Moe: (to the guard) "Thanks!"

Governor: "You have your choice — you may have your heads chopped off, or you may be burned at the stake."

Curly: "We'll take burning at the stake!"

Governor: "Very well. We'll toast them Monday at sundown."

Moe (angrily): "What did you pick 'burning at the stake' for?!"

Curly: "Cause a hot steak is better than a cold chop!"

Re: QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 6:46 am
by Jason
Fiorello: Hey, wait, wait. What does this say here, this thing here?

Driftwood: Oh, that? Oh, that's the usual clause that's in every contract. That just says, uh, it says, uh, if any of the parties participating in this contract are shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is automatically nullified.

Fiorello: Well, I don't know...

Driftwood: It's all right. That's, that's in every contract. That's, that's what they call a sanity clause.

Fiorello: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You can't fool me. There ain't no Sanity Clause!

Re: QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2018 8:17 am
by Jason
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -- Lucille Ball

Re: QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2018 8:41 am
by Jason
"Am I sounding better or am I just getting used to my voice?" — Brett Somers

Re: QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 9:23 am
by Jason
"I'm an experienced woman; I've been around. ... Well, all right, I might not've been around, but I've been ... nearby." -- Mary Tyler Moore

Re: QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:35 am
by Jason
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote." -- Emo Philips

Re: QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2018 7:35 am
by Jason
"I saw a subliminal advertising executive. But only for a second." -- Steven Wright

Re: QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2018 10:21 am
by Jason
"Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses." -- Woody Allen

Re: QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2018 5:09 am
by Jason
"I don't have an hourglass figure. I have an hour and a half. I have a little too much time on my ass." -- Wendy Liebman

Re: QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2018 2:02 pm
by Jason
"God bless my mom, she had reverse Alzheimer's. Towards the end she remembered everything, and was she pissed." -- S. Rachel Lovey

Re: QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2018 9:55 am
by Jason
"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -- Elaine Boosler

Re: QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Posted: Mon Apr 02, 2018 7:16 am
by Jason
"We need a twelve-step program for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon." -- Paula Poundstone

Re: QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2018 1:21 pm
by Jason
"I was born by cesarean section, but you really can't tell. Except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window." -- Steven Wright

Re: QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2018 6:14 am
by Jason
"Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" -- Lily Tomlin