150 Steps in October

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Re: 150 Steps in October

Postby spiegel » Mon Oct 20, 2008 4:38 am

21 and 22. Piano practice sessions over the weekend 23. Starting to clean up a bit as I may be having a friend crash at my place Friday night - sorted through a shoeboxful of clutter, scrubbed the shower and shower screen and cleaned out a whole lot of schmutz in little crevices *yuck* And then took a shower! :) An8el, the sailing sounds awesome, not to mention the marine life sighting! Not listing 45 degrees like at my office Christmas function last year :lol: It's an awful lot of hard work and insanely expensive, but the owner of the yacht was well and truly in his element (not just bossy in the office...!). Being part of a regular crew is great if you can get onto one!
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Mini-Rant

Postby Mannix » Mon Oct 20, 2008 6:15 pm

Hi, everyone, This cold is really getting tiresome. I am so congested right now I can barely breathe and it's making me very grumpy! Lynx, I think I may not have successfully paced myself - sprinting when I should have jogged? Full slate of students and Alexander lesson tomorrow, and I feel like refusing to do anything! Sounds like a familiar resistance pattern, doesn't it? Maybe a good night's sleep will help. More later, -- Mannix
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pacing

Postby Lynx » Mon Oct 20, 2008 11:03 pm

Mannix: Lynx, I think I may not have successfully paced myself Well, this time you had some awareness going into it. Next time perhaps you can pace it better? Think about moving around what you can and using the gaps in your schedule for self-care. I had a similar situation yesterday. I went to pick apples from trees nobody cares about. I had a nearly full bag but there was another tree about a two mile walk and I thought I would get some more. I felt a pinch in my throat, and said to myself, on second thought, I'll go home. Check it out, An8el has begun a deep thread on deep discussion about resistance and other patterns. I completed (well about 95%) the format for a workshop I'm to deliver in November. I called a colleague to see if she and I can look it over together before I mail it in. I just got the annual announcement request for a conference I usually present at. Awoke with a pair of ideas, a very good sign. Had a short interview on an internet station tonight about my work around vulnerable emotions in groups. Also traded some advice and listening for lunch today. Cooked some sprouted black beans and sprouted brown rice yesterday and had it tonight (with all the flavors worked in) with a smoked hen. All's good, Lynx PS - the more I serious consider 'surrendering' the less my lower back and hips ache. Something is being acknowledged by my body.
"Vision is not enough. It must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps; we must step up the stairs." Vaclav Havel
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Re: 150 Steps in October

Postby Jane B » Tue Oct 21, 2008 7:11 pm

Been away from the boards and trying to catch up with everyone. Thanks An8el and Lynx for responding to my posts about my relationship issues. An8el, I know what you mean when you say that if you look for a relationship to compensate for a certain feeling of lack, that’s all you will get. I definitely had this tendency in the past and it lead to some bad choices. However, over the past few years I can say I’ve reached a point where I am really happy and confident with who I am, with where I am. I’m devoting my time to things that have meaning to me and help shape who I am. So I guess the good news is that at this point I probably won’t get involved with anyone for the wrong reasons. You suggest I should probably find someone creative who can understand the type of lifestyle I lead. I have often thought this myself, and most of the guys I have been with were creative types. Sometimes when I look at the big picture I think I should be open to meeting other kinds of people too, given the lack of success I’ve had with creative types. Not give up on the artsy guys but give other kinds of guys a chance. This is advice I’ve received by my folks; it makes sense to me but I feel a lot of resistance when I actually try to follow it (I have a hard time seeing myself with someone who is not a creative type). In any case, I know I would need to be with someone who has some pursuit in life he is passionate about, not just someone who is marking time. Lynx, I like your roadmap idea a lot and I definitely plan to do my own version of it. I am in a constant dilemma about this. Right now things are going well with my music and my work and I sometimes think I should enjoy the freedom and flexibility I have now and focus on those things. But these are very solitary pursuits, and every now and then I start feeling kinda lonely, get this nagging feeling that I should be doing more to try and meet people. I feel kind of “all over the map” about it sometimes. It seems I have three main things in my life that are important to me right now: 1)My translation business 2)My music 3)Meeting someone. It’s hard to put a higher priority on either one because they all seem equally important. I’m starting to think that due to my ever-changing schedule I have to think in “cycles” instead of trying to implement daily routines or steps to get things done. For instance, one week I can be swamped with translation work and it takes up all my time. The next week I can have a series of concerts lined up, so my priorities shift to that. Then perhaps the next week things will slow down and I can devote more time to socializing and trying to meet people. I will write in response to other’s posts later
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Re: 150 Steps in October

Postby Mannix » Wed Oct 22, 2008 7:13 am

Good morning, everyone, I'm catching up with discussion buddies this morning. It's so nice to relate to you guys. I'm feeling a bit lonely since I've been staying home more with this cold. (Actually, feeling lonely is a good sign in my case.) Latest steps: 35. Got through Tuesday without eating any chocolate or potato chips. Double gold stars! 36. Looked up names of organizational experts in the Yellow Pages. (Wow, they do exist.) 37. Went to the library again on Monday, worked on a monthly income goal for teaching studio, and/or other income streams. 38. Posted on An8el's resistance discussion thread. 39. Decided against trying to "power through" this cold and took a midday nap yesterday, instead of exhausting myself and cancelling lessons later in the day. Today's goals: -- Stay home, rest more during the day, but be ready to teach 4 students starting at 3:30 this afternoon. -- Increase time to work on studio and income stream plans from a couple of minutes to at least 15. -- Jot down some questions to ask organizational experts when I call them. Also what I would want them to do for me. -- Finish catching up on discussion threads here. Jane, re your efforts to meet people, you had a couple of "shoulds," in your last post: "should enjoy freedom and flexibility," and "should be doing more to meet people." Is this a situation where, on a deeper level, you're trying to satisfy someone else's expectations? Lynx, good for you for listening to your throat. I think I've been too much in the "keep going in the face of adversity" mode. Another place I need to find balance. Congratulations on the internet interview, and expelling some of those body aches. It's still amazing to me how much mind and body are connected. Spiegel, great job with the shower scrubbing! An8el, seeing over the side of that boat sounds incredible! Glad the men "allowed" you to help with the boat. Hope you see the whales soon! OK, on to the day ... and another nap. :? -- Mannix
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Re: 150 Steps in October

Postby Jane B » Wed Oct 22, 2008 10:58 pm

spiegel, good to see you putting that new piano to good use. Have you decided on taking lessons? An8el, I loved reading about your sailing and snorkeling. Sounds so exotic from the colder climate where I'm living. Lynx, good for you for paying attention to your body's responses. You seem to be progressing in your thought process re: surrendering. Mannix, congrats on keeping up with the good eating habits, and sorry to hear about the stubbornnes of your cold. Regarding your last post, I thought you made an excellent observation about those "should's"
Mannix wrote:Jane, re your efforts to meet people, you had a couple of "shoulds," in your last post: "should enjoy freedom and flexibility," and "should be doing more to meet people." Is this a situation where, on a deeper level, you're trying to satisfy someone else's expectations?
I'm not sure if they are a result of someone else's expectations, but they do seem to be typical of my tendency to want to achieve a lot of things at the same time, and then my mind is not focusing on what I am actually achieving, but on all the other things I "should" be working on. It's the thing Barbara describes as "hurried sickness". Seem to be falling back into that pattern lately. Today I sat down and tried to reevaluate my goals and planning strategy with this in mind. I'm thinking I could really benefit from learning some types of de-stress methods to help deal with this tendency I have to try and do everything at once, which leads to difficulty focusing, stress, etc. My voice instructor teaches a method resembling tai chi that was developed by a kinesiologist called Sensory Gymnastics (don't know if that's the "official" name, it's just how it translates from French :wink: ). She has managed to integrate some of it into my voice training, and I find the exercises very relaxing and helpful. My drummer has also taken some of the Sensory Gymnastics courses and raved about them. Anyways, my voice teacher is giving a 10-course workshop on the method in a few weeks and I plan to sign up for it.
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Re: 150 Steps in October

Postby Mannix » Thu Oct 23, 2008 9:33 am

Hi, everyone, This cold has been around so long I should start blogging about it. Yesterday, after spending some time posting, I was exhausted and had to nap for an hour. Same thing happened after lunch. Fortunately, I don't have any commitments for the next couple of days (except dentist this morning) so I'm going to rest when my body says rest. My husband and friend have been tempting me to join them for trips into the city, but I'm afraid I'll get there and be ready to go to sleep. So I'm going to continue to stay at home and nap as needed until my body tells me I'm ready to get back out there. Didn't get too much accomplished on steps yesterday, but there's always today. Jane, I don't remember if it was you but someone on this board once said that if you try to accomplish everything at once you usually end up accomplishing nothing. I often have to remind myself of what I'm focused on, and even though something else needs to be done, it's going to have to wait for now. If I don't do that, (or when I don't :) ), I end up in a very familiar resistance pattern: I plan so many daily tasks I could never get them done unless I worked without stopping and gave up sleep. Then I get frustrated, quit, and don't do anything for a couple of days. Good luck reevaluating your goals. OK, time for nap #1. See you all later. -- Mannix
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Re: 150 Steps in October

Postby Jane B » Thu Oct 23, 2008 9:35 pm

Hi all, Mannix, how long has the cold lasted now? Are your symptoms getting worse or do they seem to be subsiding? What you describe is exactly what I go through: trying to do it all and accomplishing nothing, making unrealistic lists and getting frustrated, etc. I'll also make unrealistic lists and then I feel guilty whenever I take a five minute break! I'm aware of this tendency so usually it's just a matter of stopping myself every now and then and re-thinking the way I'm doing things. Called to sign up for that Sensory Gymnastics course. They don't have a full group yet but I'll be hearing from them when they do. It was a beautiful, sunny day today, so instead of going to the gym, I biked downtown to run some errands and took my work with me to the library and a coffee place. Had a very enjoyable day and I probably wouldn't have allowed myself that freedom a few days ago when I was still in "hurried sickness" mode.
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Re: 150 Steps in October

Postby Mannix » Fri Oct 24, 2008 5:35 am

Good morning, everyone, Jane, thanks for asking about my cold. It's been my companion for about 10 days now. Symptoms were pretty much the same, then got worse after last weekend when I probably overdid it performing outside. Then they steadied out during the week, got a little worse again, and now finally seem to be getting better. It's getting frustrating now because I'm going to miss my HMO's flu shot clinic this weekend. (They said to wait 2 weeks after the cold is finished before I get a shot.) But this morning I can breathe without decongestants so maybe there's hope. Jane, I'm glad you got to have that nice day! It took me a long time to realize assigning myself pages of daily tasks every day was not the way to go. Part of it was my under-estimating how much time certain tasks would take. And part of it was (is) fear that I'll be accused of being a lazy bum who sleeps until noon every day and sponges off her husband. (I'm still working on this one.) It really helps me to block time on a calendar so I can see how much time in the day I really have. On the other hand, I've also noticed that if I over-regiment my schedule, I'll rebel. So I have to a share of days where I don't pre-schedule. (Oh, if only this process were easier ....) OK, my recent steps are: 40. Put out 6 items for charity pick-up this morning. Yay! 41. Printed out a list of blog questions to ask reference librarian. 42. Looked up websites of local organizational experts. (I'm having major resistance to contacting any of them, even to coming up with a project I'd want them to work on!) Everyone have a good day! -- Mannix
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Re: 150 Steps in October

Postby Mannix » Sat Oct 25, 2008 6:49 am

Hello, everyone, A quick check-in today. Steps from Friday: 43. Went to the library and talked with reference librarian about more stuff for my blog. 44. Signed up for a conference on local history! Unexpected surprise! 45. Put out six boxes and 1 unused humidifier. Charity picked up yesterday afternoon. 46. E-mailed Washington, DC Historical Society with a question for my blog. For today: Visiting parents in Winchester; that will probably take up most of the day. In the meantime, come up with a plan for next week so that I can make progress in all areas. Some I've been doing well in, others have languished from week to week on the to-do list. Hope everyone has a great Saturday, -- Mannix
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changing day

Postby Lynx » Sat Oct 25, 2008 8:32 am

Hi My partner is coming back today from 3 weeks away. Time alone always helps me reflect in a ways that day after day in close loving with someone doesn't. The biggest drop jaw insight has been my question here about surrendering. I've brought it to my body and my back hip pain dissolved. I brought it to my mens group and it sounded real. I brought it to my Reiki trade session and on a scale of 1 to 10 (I was asked to score this) this scored 8. Asked if it made me happy: scored minus 2! There's a very sad fun loving child that's not delighted with this direction. I'm making a commitment to him that I will carefully check out the fun-factor in any situation that comes my way. I guess I've been more or less within the framework of independent contracting (at times consultant, writer, janitor, general office aide, data entry, researcher, editor, volunteer, therapist, and human sensitivity trainer) since being relieved of my first job after college in 1975. That's 33 years. Right now, it's not a bad day decision, it's been, I guess—if I strung all the difficult economic contexts/low-no contract periods together—it's years. This last spell has been 6 months of no work. The tea leaves are not promising. Just got an email that someone on the staff at the County has been let go. One of my client organizations just sent a post card that after 37 years they had to shut down because they could not raise the money needed to pay off their remodel. So ironic. Another external consultant friend has abandoned independence and has been searching for work for the past year. Mentioned this to a friend and she said if you're going out, go out big. She hipped me to Anne Halprin, a dancer who used her art skills to push back against cancer. She runs a healing institute in California. Big, huh? Lynx PS Of course, unless desperation strikes and I have to work at whole foods bagging groceries to make ends meet, I'm going to try to use my skills in my full-time work. I'm not surrendering all this learning and lessons scored into my very soul. I'm trading independence for cash flow.
"Vision is not enough. It must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps; we must step up the stairs." Vaclav Havel
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moving on/6

Postby Lynx » Sat Oct 25, 2008 8:38 am

Onto #6 on the list 6. JX and I do well with general living, it's the deep support that gives us trouble. This is how it feels. Another way forward is that the deep support is there but held in our silences. And that we keep showing up for one another. We celebrate 26 years next month. Rewrite: Jx and I do well with general living, sensing support in the silence and steady connection. That'll do. Lynx
"Vision is not enough. It must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps; we must step up the stairs." Vaclav Havel
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Re: 150 Steps in October

Postby An8el » Sun Oct 26, 2008 2:22 pm

Don't have much time to do a proper post, but wanted to brag that I did my speech for the Public Access TV last Friday evening! You'll all be able to see it because I'm getting a copy that I'll post on youtube in about ten days or so. I cheated, but it worked fine. Wrote my speech that I had so much resistance to memorizing on a presentation board and propped it below the camera and used it to prompt me. I did OK! - gotta run, more later... (I'm using a friends computer to make my report.)
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Re: 150 Steps in October

Postby Mannix » Sun Oct 26, 2008 6:49 pm

Hi, everyone, Like An8el, I'm not writing a thorough post here but just wanted to touch base. Discovered today that I still don't have a whole lot of stamina and will need to pace myself. Especially during the upcoming 3-4 days. I am planning to teach all three days this week! So I'm getting in bed early and probably will do that all week. Hope all are doing well and having success with those pesky personal demons. -- Mannix
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Re: 150 Steps in October

Postby Jane B » Sun Oct 26, 2008 10:02 pm

Hello everyone, An8el, congrats on your televised speech! I look forward to watching it on youtube. Mannix, glad to hear your cold symptoms finally seem to be getting better. And good for you for keeping up with your blogging and decluttering. Lynx, you seem to be very lucid in your decision re: surrendering. Good for you for paying attention to the voice of that child inside you. I also like how you were able to picture your situation with your partner differently, in a perhaps more positive way. I hope you will benefit from this change of perspective. As for me, today it seems I tried an opposite approach to my "hurried sickness" habit of making an unrealistic list/time schedule. Instead, I kept track of the hours I actually spent working. Surprisingly, I got a lot more done this way, minus the stress factor. Very interesting! Last night I went to see Zappa plays Zappa and it totally blew my mind. I even cried at times. Moments like this are priceless to me. Talked to another friend who has had luck meeting someone online. Feeling increasingly prompted to try that myself. Letting go of the false notion that it is just for "losers and desperate types". I started browsing some sites, looked at some ads, started putting some thought into what I would write about myself, decided to make a draft of it, chose a few nice photos of me... ok but I haven't listed an ad yet. Still some resistance there obviously. I found out this experimental band Fantomas whom I really really like (the singer is one of my all-time favourite singers) is performing one of their past albums which I also really really like on New Year's Eve. However the concert is in California and I live on the East Coast. They are only giving a few more performances in Europe. Thinking about splurging on a trip there if I can find someone to go, it's a crazy thing to do, I can barely afford it and am still paying for the last impulsive trip I did like that last year...but we'll see. I still need to convince someone to go with me.
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