150 Steps for October '09

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150 Steps for October '09

Postby Mannix » Wed Sep 30, 2009 5:10 pm

OK, here's the challenge. Take 150 steps towards your goals this month. Nothing big - just little steps that take you where you want to go. A step is something that moves you towards your goals, and either takes at least 15 minutes or is emotionally difficult (like making a call you've been dreading). A goal is anything that moves you forward towards what you want. It doesn't have to be part of a lofty, thought-out goal. If you want to get in shape, your exercise sessions are steps. If you think you ought to get out more, getting out is a step. Each day, check in with the steps you've made so far.
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holdover from Sept

Postby Lynx » Thu Oct 01, 2009 8:01 am

Will your partner listen if you tell her you just need to talk something out?
Thanks for trying. It's not that simple, as support is more than passively listening. For example, I'll share something I'm in the middle of and she'll hear me out. But the next thing she says often points out where I'm coming up short or the other parties have valid positions/points of view. Yuck. That's not support, that's law school. Then after much effort and argument about her response she grudgingly listens again, says something sortof supportive in a mild, unengaged tone, and then falls silent until I finish and I'm left drained and frustrated and under supported, anti-supported. I try to remind her that It is vital that the first comments from her support me, not matter what the 'facts' in her mind may be or seem right. Both in the heat of an episode and in between when we're both calmer. This is not about facts. I'm an adult, trust me to deal with the facts of my life. I need emotional support. Act like you're in my corner, not theirs. She can't or won't and doesn't bother to make the effort to learn. So, I don't bother any longer. I recognize that one person can not fulfill all my needs. Not what I would want, but it's what I am learning to live around. I'm mature enough to understand somethings I can't fix if they're the responsibility of another person. How she learns to support me is hers to do, not mine. I've said my part and I have to let it go to what she chooses. Therefore I work on the workaround. Being here is an outgrowth of this workaround. L
"Vision is not enough. It must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps; we must step up the stairs." Vaclav Havel
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Re: 150 Steps for October '09

Postby Unity » Thu Oct 01, 2009 9:59 am

Hi all Lynx, I completely 'hear you' with this situation. I was never supported emotionally by my ex at all, even though I always had money. That cannot buy you happiness. Right from the start I was the strong one and sorted everything out as he avoided people and would never speak up on my behalf if anyone said or did anything hurtful to me. I didn't realise just how hard that would make the marriage as I always felt like I was alone doing everything. After a recent argument, I discovered that he always thought of me as very controlling and strong minded and that was a problem for him. If I say anything now that he doesn't agree with he goes berserk and I guess sees me as a threat in some way. So it's interesting how each member of a partnership has a completely different take on the same situation. I wonder how your partner views you. Yes, I agree, forums are supportive places. You can be heard without interruption and (hopefully) without anyone trying to put you down, or feel threatened by you. Plus you don't see that 'eyes glazed over look' :D you could get from people if you are trying to share something of importance.
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Re: 150 Steps for October '09

Postby paralegalgirl » Fri Oct 02, 2009 2:15 pm

Hi everyone: I can't believe it's a new month.
Last edited by paralegalgirl on Wed Apr 13, 2011 8:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
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from a distance

Postby Lynx » Fri Oct 02, 2009 3:17 pm

Hi Steps: PLG: Lynx: it sounds like you're partner agrees with the people who are finding fault with you so how can you expect her to "support" you? Do you need to take a look at what it is they're finding fault with rather than getting defensive about it? Maybe they would be supportive of personal change and growth. Well, there's working through and problem solving and there's support. Most issues, the actual legal "truth" is somewhere in between AND I can manage the facts well enough myself. If most times she supported me and when necessary did what you suggest, I'd agree. But when it's nearly 100%, something else is going on. If she's with someone she thinks is wrong ALL the time, we have a deep issues. I don't think she thinks I'm wrong, just that I don't see all sides of the issues. I'm not seeking to see all sides! I'm seeking support! By now she heard this over and over. I can use google to understand all the sides etc. Actually, I think the other parties have full responsibilties for representing their sides, my task is going all out for myself. Is she in my corner, or not? When? How does she communicate that? And consider, when the table is turned, whatever the case, I almost always support her, as I do all my friends and colleagues. When we talk about it, my support is so unremarkable to her I have to explicitly remind her when I did. I'm fully and deliberately communicating in supportive ways. Only AFTER they say something like, I appreciate the support and I ALSO would like your ideas about the merits of my side ... then the get from me that other part. Steppers, there's no solution, I'm content to move on while maintaining the relationship, don't try to make one of us "right" and the other "wrong." Notice I've always attempted to describe behavior and offer no judgement. She is who she is, she's amendable via my suggestions or not. If not, I consider my options and move on. I don't know exactly how I got on this track when I began about finding an adequate emotional supporter who does get me, and how to support someone. But, that's my goal, as this is beyond any meaningful changes. Lynx
"Vision is not enough. It must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps; we must step up the stairs." Vaclav Havel
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Re: 150 Steps for October '09

Postby Unity » Sat Oct 03, 2009 3:50 am

Hi all PLG, that's a lot of money for a dance, so I can understand why you are not participating in this contest. Lynx - I think that your initial comment about support has obviously affected us either personally or just on your behalf that's why it's come up in every post. I suppose it's the reason we all 'met' in the first place, getting support from like-minded people. I'm going to think over the weekend how I can use steps this month and hopefully come up with a goal.
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Re: 150 Steps for October '09

Postby paralegalgirl » Sat Oct 03, 2009 9:51 am

Hi Lynx: You're discussion is too vague for me to respond to. Of course I wish you the best of luck and support your future choices so long as no one is getting hurt of course. I think we've been down this road before with a number of steppers who were having relationship problems. What happened is that the stepper tended to get more and more vague, and it became pretty useless to try to respond to whatever they were saying and most of the time they didn't even want a response, but I usually like to at least try to respond so the person knows I'm paying attention.
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Re: 150 Steps for October '09

Postby Unity » Sat Oct 03, 2009 10:28 am

Hi all PLG - I think that if I were taking dance classes and constantly felt that pressure to sign up to expensive packages it would kill my enthusiasm, not to mention bring about irritation with the instructors. So I applaud that you carry on, even though getting a hard sell each time. I might be tempted to end the lesson by standing on their toes quite hard! I did see a headline about DL but didn't read it.
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Re: 150 Steps for October '09

Postby sallypz » Sat Oct 03, 2009 12:46 pm

Lynx, Agreed there is working through and problem solving then there's support. The two are not really the same thing. It sounds like you want something from her (support) that she either does not know how to give, or isn't interested in giving. Have you tried some kind of couples counseling with a relationship expert? Does the problem bother you enough that you would do that? Maybe you're looking for something that just isn't in her personality to give. In that case it's something you might never get from her & to stay with her you would have to accept that fact. Good luck..hope you find what you're looking for. I think I tripped over September...it seems to have been about everyone else and not me... I am feeling frustrated about that... son-in-law (works for phone company) promised to do something about my phone months ago....nothing has happened...said it would save me lots of money...so I looked it all up on line & will go take care of it myself tonite even if it costs extra.. Got my little 10 y/o into English as a Second Language at school..they will help her learn american phonics and reading. And she will also be getting some other special learning assistance with a tutor. Hooray!! That's one big point for the public school system. Those kinds of services were/are not available in the private school system. Becoming friends with another mom from the school. She's a special ed. teacher at a local HS. She said they had her implement a new program for Autistic students. She said there's been "an explosion" of autism in kids in the past few years...curious...I wonder why.. some people believe it's related to measles/mumps vaccine. (Just musing..) October...more job hunting...will get much more serious about that..also, with 2 kids here, there's lots of prep for Halloween..decorating the house, inside & out, making costumes, etc.... Halloween is big in this neighborhood. I'm looking forward to it. It will be a lot of fun. Well...keep moving forward..one little step at a time. sallypz (MoxieMe)
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Re: 150 Steps for October '09

Postby Unity » Sat Oct 03, 2009 3:59 pm

Hi Sally, nice to see you again. I'm glad you've got things sorted for your daughter, I was wondering about that. Re autism, my two have it, one of them ended up in hospital after the MMR jab. . He's the one that can't speak. But according to the papers, some children get autism nowadays and they never had any vaccinations. So who knows. One other explanation to the 'explosion' nowadays is that they are putting together a number of different conditions and calling them autistic spectrum. I know when my boys were diagnosed it was very rare and no-one had ever heard of it, that was a long time ago. How are you getting on with your business ideas?
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Re: 150 Steps for October '09

Postby sallypz » Sat Oct 03, 2009 9:42 pm

Unity, That's where Tripped over myself. I haven't done much on it lately. Must get back on track. I'm still afraid of what my family will think & say...they are often not supportive of me doing things like that, just want me to stay always the same, doing the same old stuff I always do, being Mom..being Mom with an always giving deep wallet. During the reasearch on fun sports I came across a WEB site that has all-terrain Roller skates (seems every sport I looked into had it's extreme variety). I searched around and found a gently used pair for dirt cheap..they're coming in the mail in the next few days. My family is going to freak out. The last time I was on skates I fell and broke 5 bones in my wrist..I had to have surgery & had a metal contraption sticking out of my arm for 8 weeks. My family made me swear I wouldn't skate again. They're going to be very upset with me when they see the skates...even more upset when I put them on and go skating. The wheels are very wide apart so they are very stable. Did get the new phone number, it was so easy. The man at the store was so nice. That's one small step forward for October. Got shot down at my last job application recently, will try again now that I have a phone again. sallypz (MoxieMe)
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great simple saturday

Postby Lynx » Sat Oct 03, 2009 10:07 pm

Hey, PLG and Sally, you're both right, it's an intuitive thing and I find either people understand it fairly quickly or no amount of 'explaining' helps much at all. Sally: Maybe you're looking for something that just isn't in her personality to give. In that case it's something you might never get from her & to stay with her you would have to accept that fact. If you've read carefully I do accept 'that fact' but for sure I don't have to like it! So, back to the goal/step: find that other supportive person. Prospects lurk and time will tell. By the way, got Barbara's book, I can Be anthing I want ... at a used bookstore tonight. Should be fun to explore. Lynx
"Vision is not enough. It must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps; we must step up the stairs." Vaclav Havel
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Re: 150 Steps for October '09

Postby AnneSophie » Sun Oct 04, 2009 2:11 pm

A spouse or a partner doesn't have to be everything and all things. If one wants unconditional support, one goes to a therapist, it is the job of a therapist to make somebody feel great about themselves. For the person in therapy, it is a great way to let off steam and get coping skills. A counselor cost less than a $100 for each session. This board and many others I frequent are also a great way to whine about things one doesn't like about life. Only imbeciles and self centered bore are always happy with themselves. The heart of being human is to long for something, always. The explosion of autism cases is not surprising, it mostly affects boys. Society, parents and school systems favor spoken communication but boys are usually not very good at communicating verbally (not as good as girls). It is not a problem if the parents let it be and give boys opportunities to express their feelings in non verbal ways such as play, art and sports. But parents are such in a hurry to have their children "keep up with the Jones" even at the nursery school level that some boys choose to shut down completely. When he was growing up Einstein had speech problems but compensated by excelling in math. His parents and the school let him be and we all know the result. The school curriculum, in most countries, is extremely bad, it is set up to profit text book publishers, school administrator and provide an easy way to grade (aka an "objective" way to rate students". Children must learn by rote or learn to cheat and get away with it. For a sensitive child, this shark tank is better avoided. Boys have figured out (unconsciously) that if they shut down, they won't be forced to interact. Girls being wired for communication have a much harder time shutting down but... I saw the case of a 14 year old girl whose screams and tantrums very diagnosed as a form of autism.
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Re: 150 Steps for October '09

Postby Jane B » Sun Oct 04, 2009 9:33 pm

Hello all, Joining in after several months of absence from this board. Been catching up by reading everyone’s posts over the past month or so. Trips to CA, Halloween planning, cruiseboat dilemmas, dance lessons, people looking for support... Lots going on in the lives and minds of everyone. This summer I got an interesting work opportunity that kept me very busy, and, unexpectedly, helped me in my search for songwriting collaborators. Towards the end of July, one of my translation clients—an artist’s agency—hired me to write promotional blurbs for each one of its artists and productions, a job that would take me 2 months to complete and something I’d never done before (until this summer I was only a freelance translator, not a writer). Since this type of job was new to me, I decided to hire an experienced writer to supervise my work and, at the same time, help me develop my writing skills. After putting out an ad and receiving nearly a hundred applications, I found an exceptional writer, with a lot of experience in the music industry. He had a beautiful, very creative and original writing style. We had an excellent professional relationship and working with him really pushed me to improve my writing skills. The artist’s agency was extremely pleased with the results. And on top of that, I discovered that the writer I hired is also a lyricist. Therefore, I now have someone to help me write better lyrics. A classic case of finding the help you need where you’d least expect. Now that that’s done and my work schedule has slowed down, I’m in the process of planning the trip to Vietnam I previously spoke of (accompanying my aunt who is adopting). And trying to get back out and date more. And music, always. More to come...
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go Jane go

Postby Lynx » Sun Oct 04, 2009 10:27 pm

Jane told us And on top of that, I discovered that the writer I hired is also a lyricist. Therefore, I now have someone to help me write better lyrics. The path to success flows through humility. That you hired help to shore up your skills was quite humble and not something I naturally would consider. Thanks for the dual lessons. Are there rules against dating one's lyricist? L
"Vision is not enough. It must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps; we must step up the stairs." Vaclav Havel
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