The terrifying nature of new relationships...

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The terrifying nature of new relationships...

Postby LateBloomer » Fri Apr 07, 2006 7:25 am

It's been a long time for me. Anyone but this guy wouldn't make it in... He was in orbit around me when I was doing a two week assignment as receptionist at the company where he works. I didn't give him the time of day because I was completely stressed by the situation, but... I had access to his work number. I took it down before I left. I don't know why. I was sure I wouldn't have the courage to call him. Well one day I did. He pretended not to know who I was, but asked me to meet him for coffee anyway.... :? I mean I had no doubt about his attention on me while I was at that front desk. I had no doubt that my voice is unique enough that he would remember it. So why the game? He left me nothing to work with, and I told him so (well...truth is I said I would call him back but I left a message instead...telling him so). I left it alone for a while but he stayed on my mind, probably because my heart is starving to death! The thing is, he's not what I'm usually attracted to. I go weak for guys (s'cuse me, MEN) with great intellect and humour, and the kind of sexiness that comes more from confidence than good looks. This guy...well...he's maybe six foot two and STACKED! It took about a week and a half for me to put my prejudice aside and notice how sweet and caring he was with people. Not ego driven at all. Sometimes he would put on a little swagger as he walked past me but it was so awkward that it touched my heart. He was always trying to get in my way. I was deliberately cool with him. I guessed that his pretending not to know me was a kind of payback....cause if he hadn't noticed me what so ever, why would he want to meet up? Anyway, I got a little stupid about it. I left him a couple of provocative (no not sexual...) messages. Then, I called him live because I thought he should have the chance to respond. I mean, what if I was annoying him? What If his work messages weren't private? :oops: So I did; I called him. I could tell by the way he greeted me that if he'd had a tail it would be wagging. He apologized to me for making me uncomfortable. We were both mindful of the fact that he was at work, and I kept wanting to let him go (I was feeling quite overwhelmed...) but he kept me talking for about 20 minutes. He was sweet and intelligent and very very careful with me. He gave me his home number but guessed correctly that I wasn't ready to have him call me. It's like he knows what a wounded spirit I am and is being as gentle as possible with me. I am currently in a state of total infatuation... I don't think I can ignore this guy. I may finally have to face my demons :shock: How about you? Have you ever met someone you totally want, but are afraid to just go for it? :o
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Postby joyous1 » Fri Apr 07, 2006 9:11 am

Something similar? I grew up not being loved, not knowing love, not realizing there could be anything different from what I had. And then I started falling in love with my husband over our telephone conversations. We met on an online dating site, he emailed me, I finally responded after a couple of months because I was just too busy and he wasn't cute in his photos (yes, I was shallow). Then I met him and something in me just well, I did things totally uncharacteristic for me. I sat in his truck when the coffee shop closed, stayed up way too late, made out with him (what a phrase for a 38 years old to use, hey?) and generally just melted. The next day I totally freaked. What the heck had I done? I hadn't dated in 4 years, I'd been burnt in relationships, I was just looking for someone to have some fun with, something light, to go to movies and walks etc. Oh, I'd made a terrible mistake and I had set a first date with him for 2 days later. I was in total panic mode and decided I'd tell him in person I had made a mistake and then I drove up to the park where we were meeting and he stood up and wham! all of my fears melted and I knew this was right. Yesterday was 2 years to the day that I met him at the coffee shop. We have been married for a year and a half. It has been a rollercoaster ride. I am not strong on the trusting, and have struggled alot in our relationship. I am dealing with lots of my demons. And he is (mostly) patient and willing to be there with me going through them. He is something I never could have imagined having in my life and I'm glad we're together.
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Postby LateBloomer » Fri Apr 07, 2006 9:37 am

Sigh.... !!! That's so sweet Joyous! And very encouraging. Is it weird that I would prefer that he weren't quite so...you know. I struggle with this over and over again but I just don't trust the attentions of good looking men. I don't want to be with a hot boy. I want something real. Is what he see's in me real? or is he distracted by my 'cuter' aspects even if they remain underplayed on my part? The man is so incredibly fit! Is he like a 'chubby chaser' or something? You're right joyous; it's so hard to trust...
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Postby joyous1 » Fri Apr 07, 2006 10:02 am

My husband didn't find my pictures great, I looked all squnity eyed in them. And I thought he had weird Kramer hair. So looks were not what had us meeting. And now, I find him incredibly sexy and good looking. He has a certain way of looking at me (with his eyes of love) that does something to his face that makes him absolutely gorgeous. And he's not really. Truthfully, when I was younger and thinner I was very pretty and that attracted a certain kind of man. I'm not saying the old adage that good looking men are bad is true, but I had decided on some subsconscious level that I was not interested in being judged or wanted based on my looks anymore so when I went to meet him, other than dashing on some eyeliner, I was wearing my grubs. And man, I look like a sack in those. But he still found me beautiful, okay, he found my eyes beautiful. But that was enough. What really gets me is I haven't hidden anything of myself from him and he's seen me in some bad ways (before we were married too) and I don't feel I need to hide in any way. To be really seen and loved is incredibly powerful. Having never had that, I can say that is the most important thing in the world. Its made me do things I never could have before. He sees me, not merely a shell or what he wants to see. Okay, sometimes he'd prefer that I was not so hard headed or stubborn or excitable, but at the same time that's part of the whole package and so that's "me". On an aside, have you seen the latest Queen Latifah movie? It was kinda sappy and all, but I liked the feel of it, that you can be enough the way you are and people will like you/love you. You just have to believe in yourself and be happy with who you are. Yeah, I did mention sappy. In our society, big or chubby is something visual you can point out, but there are people with shame and ugliness in them that is hidden. So I wouldn't say being fit is wonderful or being fat isn't. There is no extra wonderful virtue in being fit. I've been gaining weight while I've been doing some work in counselling because fat feels safe. My husband sees this and stresses the fact that I'm dealing with some incredibly difficult stuff and if gaining 10 lbs makes it easier for me, then maybe that's just something needed. I believe when I'm feeling safer, the weight won't be an issue. That's just one aspect of life and living. I'm babbling now, does this make any sense?
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Postby LateBloomer » Fri Apr 07, 2006 1:18 pm

Yes, Joyous, you make the most wonderful sense! I'm all choked up... I want what you have! Here's my dilemma. By playing like he doesn't know who I am he's left me out on a limb. What if he really has no idea...?, i walk in to the coffee place bigger than life and...I see disappointment in his eyes! I couldn't cope! Deep down I know this wouldn't be the case. But If he really wanted to put me at ease he would tell me he knows who I am, so I could relax. This is all too ridiculous! What am I meant to learn from all of this? If I had smiled back at him when he was being all goofy what would have happened? Would the miserable girl I was working with have put poison in my coffee? Why is my life such a game of Sudoku? Yes, I want him, and every indication is that he wants...what? To see the face attached to this voice? ...or is it to see the face that he so liked back when he was in orbit around me. Does it matter? Am I an insane coward? (well...yes, I am) He's already accused me of over thinking things. I've already accused him of being a liar. And in between our words is all this...wet heat. I can barely breathe. I want to drop all this speculation and go back to being a born again virgin...but I can't unpush the button he found. I think this thing is gonna play out. I just hope its not too humiliating... :oops:
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Postby urbanpioneer » Fri Apr 07, 2006 2:19 pm

Go, walk into that coffee shop and see what happens. The one beauty trick every woman looks good wrapped in is CONFIDENCE! Who knows where it will lead? But you won't find out unless you go. Try to keep your expectations to zero and you can't be too disapointed. But you may not be. It could be great! Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
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Postby LateBloomer » Sat Apr 08, 2006 11:09 am

Thanks urban... I just hate feeling so pathetic. I'd much rather approach him feeling confident and not faking confidence. I think I'm going to have a conversation or two with him before we meet. Just to be sure he doesn't have some subtle agenda. Plus once we've laughed at a few of the same things I'll feel better able to trust him. Right now it's all just a bit too intense for me. But even so, I'd much rather think about him than all the crap in my life...
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Postby Day Owl » Sat Apr 08, 2006 5:24 pm

LateBloomer, you have built up a whole lot of stuff in your mind. Lots of suppositions and, yes, fantasies. The best thing you can do right now is go to that coffee shop and meet him. Then you will have something to do a reality check with, to compare with your imaginings.
Day Owl "Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle" -- Abraham Lincoln
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relationships...

Postby Tricky Grama » Sun Apr 09, 2006 7:34 am

LateBloomer- OOOHHH- gogogogo-to the coffee shop! I can't wait to hear how it went!! I really feel this is the ONE! Almost like you should write a short story about it-or a great novel after you're married & all... Patty
The meaning of life is inherent in the connectons we make to others through honor and obligation.
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Postby LateBloomer » Mon Apr 10, 2006 9:08 am

Yes.... I know I have to meet him. I also know that the longer I put it off the more nervous I will become. At that point he wont be meeting the real me. When I'm relaxed I'm crazy sexy funny cool and wide open. When I'm not relaxed, I'm....well, I'm just not fully present. It's like I'm pretending to be myself. He's never seen that first girl I mentioned. He was watching me when I was in a bad situation; stressed as hell, and not feeling at all cute. Although there were moments when my true self would bubble over, I never gave him a smile, I never offered him my playful side. What did he see in me? When I watched him I saw someone who everyone loved and chummed around with. Someone who was slightly hurt and perplexed by my apparent indifference. Someone who was kind of shabby in spite of his 'not too shabby' physique (definitely not a metro-sexual). The little girl in me started to sigh every time he passed from my sight.
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so what happened?

Postby serialdreamer » Mon Apr 17, 2006 3:38 am

Did you meet him...? I am curious! serial.
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Postby LateBloomer » Tue Apr 18, 2006 7:39 am

No I did not go for coffee with him. But I did talk to him on the phone maybe three times. He was okay. But he talked non stop about himself and never showed any curiosity about me and my life even when I threw him some juicy opportunities. The nicest thing he said to me was that talking to me was 'hot'...maybe because he was the topic, all the time...plus I would corner him in arguments every once in a while just to keep from getting bored. He wasn't dumb; just self centered. I lost my attraction... Gimme a sexy ugly guy any day :?
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Postby joyous1 » Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:18 am

Ya know, sometimes my husband calls me and talks about his stuff and then says "okay, bye" and I'm like, um, buddy? What about me? So I've mentioned this to him and he's like, oh, I thought if you had anything to say you would've spoken up. So sometimes guys are kinda dumb. Plus, when I first met him, he was trying so hard to impress me and he said exactly the wrong things. But I understood. So, just because it seemed a certain way, I'd still meet him. If for no other reason than to see if it was real or not.
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What we do for men.......

Postby KallieScarlett » Tue Apr 18, 2006 2:42 pm

Well, I hate to maybe take you down a peg back down to earth. Sorry. You've either got yourself a married man, or otherwise involved, or you have a little boy you has no idea how to go after what he wants. Or (gasp) he's just not into you but he LOVES the attention...who does not care about YOU! (hence self centered conversations). Hate to be redundant: But please do and buy the book "He's Just Not That Into You". Your eyes will be opened wide and you will see how much time and energy chasing someone who really doesn't have the same feelings you do. Oh yes...all the good movies out there say no so...but you have answered your question several times in many ways. A tiny bit of here's my number...but other than that...the men like to be the aggressor. Sorry folks. Ask the guys. Please if anything, remember this: when you are with a man who truly IS into you, he does want to know you, he will love and adore you just for being beautiful you. If you feel you must put on a show, a masquerade, to try and 'get' him....that will never work. How can he fall in love with a masquerade? As Greg Bernhardt's books say...."don't waste the pretty'. (no i'm not paid to advertise for him) I am starved for love too...but I am finally, finally not willing to try and be what I "think" he wants me to be in order to be loved. Just be yourself honey!! I hope this doesn't dispel your excitement. May you find love. I know you will.
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Postby LateBloomer » Wed Apr 19, 2006 8:54 am

Nah, KS... You haven't burst my bubble. I just realized that I took the blank canvas of this man I did not know, and filled it with all kinds of fantastic lines and colors . It turns out he's just a guy. There is nothing artful about his personality; its pretty much all primary colours and bold straight lines. If anything I'm the one whose just not into it. Hey Joyous! No I'm serious...I totally lost my boner for this guy! His sense of humour was pedantic. His intelligence had no creative aspects. I just couldn't see myself with him, not even sexually anymore. I had to wonder what had him acting foolish before. Maybe it had more to do with me not noticing him. I dunno. The way we left it was that I said that the next time I call him it will be to set a meeting time (for coffee). That was about a week ago. I haven't felt the urge to call him. What does that tell you...? I have often wished I were one of those girls for whom sex is its own reward, but that world belongs to the young and the helplessly hormonal. My mind and my heart get so hungry sometimes...and those aspects are much harder to feed. But hey :o! You know what :o ? If I had my 'druthers...I would love myself, my life and my endeavors before I meet a man :) That way I wont come to him from a place of insecurity and I'll have a life that I actually want to bring him into :P Call me crazy... :wink: Oh well, thus ends another episode... 8)
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