Obstacles to action when you know what you want

[paulpaul]

I know it's an old thread and I admit not having read all of the posts, but it's the one I'm the most interested in so I'll do my first post here....

For me the main obstacle is an inner calculation: is the actual situation better than the possible dream situation minus the costs for getting there.
Example: I'm quite happy with my life. I never had to worry about money, my family is quite wealthy, I'm living in an European welfare state...so the basic needs+x will always be covered. I'm 30, happily married...I'm working as a co-owner in a small company with some friends. It's lots of work but very fun hanging out with these friends. So all I want are some adjustments, not the big, life changing thing: I'd like to live in a warmer country, I'd like to have friends who have more free time we could spend together doing sport, I'd like to have more success with women, because I'm feeling a lack of power assuming I couldn't get another woman in one night.
So of course I'm afraid of change. But it's not fear of losing something I have now, it's more laziness because the dream situation isn't much better than the actual one.

Until now, I haven't found a way to overcome this laziness. If anyone does, please let me know.

[BarbaraSher]

Whole story sounds fishy.

Even if it weren't, you can't expect much sympathy after saying you are happily married but you want more success with women.

Looks like you ran out of other places to troll.

[paulpaul]

Dear Barbara,

Thanks a lot for your honest and quick answer. Even if the story sounds fishy to you, it's still my life... Or my perception of it. Perhaps you could explain why it sounds fishy to you?
Or perhaps my English isn't good enough to make you understand what I'm trying to say: I don't want major changes to my life. I want relatively small things to change, small improvements that still cost relatively much energy to obtain.

About my marriage: In my real world and in my dream world, I like to know that other women than my wife are attracted by me... A feeling my wife knows about and which she also appreciates, so what's wrong with that?

I hope I could make clearer and less fishy what I'm talking about.

PS: actually, this is my first place to "troll". I read like 50 books about how to change my life etc and it was all more or less the same. I swore that your book would be the last I'd read for the next two years. I really liked the idea not simply changing the life without really knowing what you want. It's still hard for me to figure out though. So what I described above is what I think are my goals now, but as they seem so... Unimportant...to me I wonder if they can really be my goals for life...

[Elaine Glimme]

Hi, Paulpaul,

Your post sounds as if you are telling us that you are a rich and desirable person and you want to find women to sleep with. If that is what you want, this website is not for you. When Barbara said you had run out of places to "troll" I think she meant you had run out of places to look for women.

[paulpaul]

Dear Elaine,

Thank you for your post.

Perhaps this is going a bit far for this topic. I originally only wanted to tell my obstacles... by giving examples from my life.
But I don't think it makes sense people judging other people's dreams. So if my dream was to live like in the playboy mansion, what's so wrong about that if in my dream my wife was OK with it.

And yes, I'm telling you that I'm a rich and desirable person because I think that's part of my obstacle. All of my friends who are coming from less wealthy families have material goals. I don't.

[BarbaraSher]

Looks like I misunderstood. I can't tell what is your actual real status and what you wish for.

Are you happily married now? It sounds like you are. If you aren't but that's part of your wish, I apologise. How about making the whole thing a little clearer for us.

[SquarePeg]

My take on this is that the "laziness" may be due to complacency. Or perhaps you have a sense that the costs of the dream are much greater than you calculated.

Perhaps you're a prisoner in a gilded cage. You wish to break free of it. You might need to be prepared to leave it all behind.

There are anecdotes of people who give up very lucrative careers to do something totally different. Sometimes they do so after a serious diagnosis. Bernie Siegel's books, for example, have accounts of people who are told they have six months to live. They change their lifestyle to do the things they've always wanted to do. Then they find out that they're in remission.

What would happen if you took a six-month sabbatical? Just leave it all behind for a limited time. You might engage in a volunteer vacation. It might not be in direct pursuit of your dream, but it will alter your perspective. As well, the Dalai Lama says that the path to happiness is through service to others (paraphrased).