by Lynx » Thu Dec 01, 2016 3:09 pm
Double 8s, go Lyndon.
Life's Alternative Goals (things that make me LAG).
Got news of the release of a report last night on a major law revision (with a citizen initiative in the works should the politicians dodge). Have been jockeying with a news outlet to do an article on this. Now, certainly I have to read the report and consider angles. Same part of my time, brain, etc. as editing, researching, and writing.
This is a Rant
Plus, had the monster realization that my partner's natural and unbending (we've discussed this challenge for decades), unprompted talking style is directly opposed to the style that best supports me and my writing challenges. Just one example, I go up and louder when feeling celebratory, she goes quieter and softer. When it's my success and she goes the opposite affect, I just feel "what the point to sharing this." No blame, just jarring styles.
I also know some my need is deep-seated. It's as easy to alter as ones sexual orientation. [hint: don't bother] Both of our styles are deep-down, my need and her response that's genuine from her point of view but misses my need.
Moving on. I became very very clear about this a couple of nights ago. So, what now? I want to make micro/nano retreat frames for myself during my editing campaign in December. Speak less and stick to just the facts of living (shopping, paying bills) Keep my excitement for friends who match my style better.
I have to carve out silences and isolation, stuff Rilke reminds his young poet of. Its a fresh hurdle to avoid talk with her, but this clarity will also prevent us having major blow-ups and my losing/wasting energy out of frustration, disappointment, anger, and confusion. That's what I used to feel when our talking went off track which didn't much matter day to day but really is amplified when I'm under creative and time pressures.
Need I add that this is not wished for or wanted and the last thing I ever imagined I'd not be able to negotiate in my most intimate relationships. I am a trained mediator, communicator, and negotiator.
I close with a mention of my sense of inadequacy tinged with loss and grief.
Yes, a Rant!
Lynx
"Vision is not enough. It must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps; we must step up the stairs." Vaclav Havel